And now, a man who has made anonymity a household name.
And now, a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, and spaghetti sauce on his tie.
And now, I introduce a man who has seen it all, but has understood very little of it.
And now, I introduce a man who is clever and witty, and I could go on and on, except I’m having a terrible time reading his handwriting.
Although our speaker eventually became a model, she says she wasn’t the cutest child. In fact, her parents threw away her kindergarten photo and framed the negative.
Before I introduce our guest of honour, I’d like to present some people who want to pay loving tribute to him. We couldn’t find any, so we got these losers.
Before we begin the program, I want to point out the exits in case the fire alarm goes off - or a speaker won’t get off.
Before we introduce our next speaker, let me remind you that no one is perfect.
Character, integrity, principle. People want to know why he hasn’t run for public office. I just told you.
Coming up next week is a man who needs no introduction. However, he insists upon it.
Excuse me if I appear nervous here tonight. You see, I’m with the (poor sports club) and I’m not used to seeing this many people gathered together at one time.
Flattering introductions are like berths in the NBA playoffs. Everybody gets one.
For dinner this evening we may have had the margarine as a butter substitute, and Sweet’n Low as a sugar substitute, and Cremora as a cream substitute - but our speaker tonight is the real thing!
He needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
He won an award for the best business idea of1953. He won that in 1988.
He was nervous when I told him to speak tonight.
He said, “What if they boo me?”
I said, “Don’t be silly! People can’t boo and yawn at the same time.”
He’s been voted one of the finest minds in (add location), which is a lot like being named to the ten best-dressed list in Russia.
He’s done so many wonderful things in such a brief time, it’s hard to exaggerate his accomplishments. but I’ll do my best.
Here is a man who has done more for banquet audiences than the Titanic did for the winter cruise business.
Here is a man who is ahead of his time, but let’s not make a big deal over three or four minutes.
Here’s a man who is world famous in certain parts of the country.
I could stand up here for an hour and talk about our next speaker’s accomplishments - but only if I talked really, really slow.
I have been told that the mind cannot absorb any more than the seat can tolerate.
I just returned from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I saw a sad thing on the way to the banquet. A man locked his keys in the car and was working like crazy with a coat hanger trying to get his family out.
I used to have trouble remembering names until I took that great Sam Carnegie course.
I’d like to introduce one of the foremost jugglers of our time - our treasurer!
I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is. Then I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community. And I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true.
I’m glad to be here. I followed the Toastmaster’s instructions but I got here anyway.
I’m not making a speech tonight, so I won’t put you to sleep. But after the other speakers are finished, I will wake you up.
In introducing our treasurer, the good news is he’s as honest as the day is long. The bad news is that for the last five years, he’s been working the night shifts.
In your office we have someone who’s always there. a person we can count on. someone who does the work of three people - your secretary.
It’s always a pleasure to speak to a group so sincerely dedicated to limiting the growth of the money supply - a dedication I first became aware of when I discussed my fee.
Just last week he hosted a telethon for ingrown toenails. All the spectacular diseases had already been taken.
Many of you came here tonight looking for a dynamic speech, a good meal, a pleasant evening. And I hope you get one of them.
On the way to the banquet tonight, I was stopped for speeding. I begged the officer to give me a warning. So he fired three shots over my head.
Our next speaker has been compared to Benjamin Franklin. Some people think he ought to go fly a kite.
Our next speaker is very active in Church. he squirms and fidgets and wiggles.
Our next speaker is with the city. His brother doesn’t work either.
Our speaker can point to many amazing accomplishments in his lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them were his.
Our next speaker says he doesn’t read Fortune, but he has eaten a lot of their cookies.
Our next speaker says he was a war baby. His parents looked at him and started fighting.
Our next speaker says he was born during the great depression. Not the countries - his mothers.
Our next speaker says she wants to fly to Hawaii for a second honeymoon - and she’s getting her husband to drive her to the airport.
Our next speaker says she will give you in length what she lacks in depth.
Our next speaker wants you to think of her/his talk as the horns of a steer. A point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
Rain is in tonight’s forecast, and that means El Nino is coming. Wind is also in the forecast, and that means something else is coming - the speeches.
Remember folks - I just introduce them. I don’t guarantee them.
Rule number two in public speaking: After a very flattering introduction, never tell the audience you don’t deserve it. They’ll find out soon enough.
Thank you for those fine opening comments. I’m sure your thoughts, like tonight’s dinner, will stay with us for a long time.
That’s what I call a Burger King introduction. One whopper after another.
The best things in life are free - which explains why you had to pay to attend this event.
The program director wasn’t exactly sure how I’d do tonight. When I asked him the size of the room, he said, “It sleeps six hundred.”
The purpose of hosting a children’s party is to remind you that there are children who are worse behaved than your own.
Throughout his many years, he has always taken the road less traveled. Some say it’s because he’s independent, creative and adventurous. His wife says it’s because he never asks for directions.
Tonight’s discussion of (subject) will be very enlightening. She says that after her talk you will still be confused, but on a much higher plane.
We have many speakers tonight, so I won’t spend time telling funny stories you won’t believe. I’ll get right to the introductions you won’t believe.
We have so many big guns in public speaking here tonight, this program should be sponsored by the NRA.
(after a brief speech) That’s the kind of speech I like: one that’s long on wisdom and short on words.
(after a series of joe-ks) Are there any questions about the material we’ve covered so far?
(after getting a laugh) That concludes the entertainment part of the program. Now it’s time for the speeches.
[flowery intro] Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could figure out who you have me confused with.
(for an all-female audience) Our next speaker says a businesswoman has to be twice as good as a man. Fortunately, that’s not hard to do.
(for an all-female audience) Our next speaker says diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex has more sense.
(following a lengthy intro) First, let me thank you for adding something to this program. About ten minutes.
(speaker’s name) says she is going to speak and hopefully you are going to listen. If you finish before she does, please raise your hand.
(speaker’s name) says he will be happy to answer any questions you might have as long as you don’t ask, "Why did you bother to come here?"
(speaker’s name) says the best years of her life were the ten years between 29 and 30.
(when the microphone doesn’t work) Aren’t you glad this sound man doesn’t make pacemakers?
Roast Joe-ks & Quotes Sections
Best Men Joe-ks
The Blame Game
Brew Haul-her - 12 Brewskies At A Time!
Communication – How To Make A Fortune
Daffynitions for the Humourist
Don't Play With Fire
Great American Weenie Roast – Pitchfork Special
Happiest Day of His Life
Insults With Class
Life Cycle of a Chicken
Memory Challenge for a Politician
Perfect Diamond Engagement Ring
Real Man's Barbecue - a food 'Roast'
Redneck Weiner Roast
Scuba Diving Accident
Speaker's Question and Answer Period
Take That – Personal Insults du Jour
World Record Challenge
Wet Floor Caution
Where Safety Begins
2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3)
Bad Ass Fire Truck
What A Deal
Polar Bear Photographer
Friday the 13th
I Can Explain It
Parallel Parking Car
Frog Long Jumper's Rest Break
Road To Nowhere