WC Fields Quotes from joe-ks.com
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I like children - fried.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

When life hands you lemons, make whiskey sours.

It's funnier to bend things than to break them.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC Fields: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."

Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC Fields: "He'd think I was a sissy."

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I'm looking for a loop-hole.
After Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Water rusts pipes.
(His reasoning for not drinking water)

Thou shalt not steal - only from other comedians.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place... a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The best thing to break is a contract.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Sleep... the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Room service - don't send up any more ice.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman because if you do, you'll have to keep up that standard the rest of your life.

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

My father... one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

I'll be down in the front row with a basket of last month's eggs.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

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