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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My daughter's been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

You know you're getting old if you have more fingers than real teeth.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I'd be honest.

My wife gives good headache.

Life is a bowl of pits.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I'm so ugly my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born.

I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

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