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Comedy is acting out optimism.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

We've had 'cloning' in the South for years. It's called 'cousins.'

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

Carpe per diem - seize the cheque.

Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning "many"; and tics, meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

You're only given a little spark of madness and if you lose that, you're nothing.

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain't going back.

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.

They should have little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!"

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Reality – what a concept!

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.

Never pick a fight with ugly people - they've got nothing to lose.

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.
As Mrs. Doubtfire

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now.

I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers.

If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?

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