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Trouble is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

My favourite characters in the Bible are King David, Delilah and Charlton Heston.

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries.

I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft.

My hometown is so dull that the drugstore sells picture postcards of other towns.

Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.

The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late.

You can tell a man isn't handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them."

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids.

On my 85th birthday, I felt like a 20-year-old. But there wasn't one around.

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer.

I gave my wife a brand new watch for Christmas - waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable, and anti magnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it.

I have a feeling there's a correlation between getting up in the morning and getting up in the world.

There's one good thing about being bald: it's neat.

He's so generous, he'll go out, get two blowjobs, come back and give you one of them.

Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it could only play hockey.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.

Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places.

I like the West. That's where men are men and women are women, and it's hard to beat a combination like that.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are;
because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far;
for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

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