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As to the adjective, when in doubt, strike it out.

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

Few of us can stand prosperity - another man's, I mean.

Some German words are so long that they have perspective.

A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.

Too much of anything is bad. Too much of good whisky is barely enough.

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The joke was lost on the foreigner - guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
The Innocents Abroad

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Pudd'nhead Wilson

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

An honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.
A Tramp Abroad

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition.

Give an Irishman lager for a month, and he's a dead man. An Irishman is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.
Life on the Mississippi

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).

Beside Leopold, Nero, Caligula, Attila, Torquemada, Genghis Khan and such killers of men are mere amateurs.

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!

Man - a creature created at the end of a work week when God was tired.

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

I don't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

You can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.

Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Follow the Equator

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

A new oath holds pretty well; but when it is become old, and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains, it ceases to be serviceable; any little strain will snap it.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Words are only painted fire; a book is the fire itself.

Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too.

When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend.

When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.

When in doubt tell the truth.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

We have the best government in the world... that money can buy.

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