|If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.|
|Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.|
|I'm 42 around the chest, 52 around the waist, 92 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.|
|Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.|
|From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.|
|If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.|
|Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.|
|You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.|
Animal Crackers, 1930
|Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.|
|Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.|
|In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.|
|You go Uruguay, and I'll go mine.|
|One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.|
|One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.|
How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks...
But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them.
Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.
|I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.|
|You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera... the night I drank champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would had been more but you were wearing inner soles.|
|You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.|
|You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.|
|You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.|
|You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.|
|You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.|
|You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.|
|You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.|
|You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.|
|You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.|
|Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses. On second thought, just let me cover your face.|
|Women should be obscene and not heard.|
|Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.|
|With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.|
|Will you marry me? Do you have any money?|
Answer the second question first.
|Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.|
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
|Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?|
|Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.|
|Why don't you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?|
|Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?|
|When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.|
That's the price she has to pay.
|When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth".|
|Whatever it is, I'm against it.|
|We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.|
But we're going back next week.
|Time wounds all heels.|
|Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.|
So just what are time flies, and why do they fly like an arrow?
|Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.|
|Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.|
|There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.|
If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
|There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.|
|The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.|
|The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old.|
|The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.|
|Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.|
|Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?|