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In those days the best painkiller was ice. It wasn't addictive, and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

It's better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
(also attributed to Warwick Deeping)

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

At my age flowers scare me.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.

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