A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.
J P Morgan |
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Ambition is like hunger; it obeys no law but its appetite.
H.W. Shaw |
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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain |
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You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
Unknown |
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Steven Wright |
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A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
Steven Wright |
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright |
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright |
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright |
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright |
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright |
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Steven Wright |
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright |
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright |
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Steven Wright |
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Steven Wright |
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Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Steven Wright |
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Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Steven Wright |
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Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Steven Wright |
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Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Steven Wright |
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright |
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Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Steven Wright |
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright |
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright |
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Steven Wright |
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Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright |
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright |
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Steven Wright |
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright |
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Half the people you know are below average.
Steven Wright |
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Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Steven Wright |
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright |
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How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Steven Wright |
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright |
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I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Steven Wright |
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright |
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I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Steven Wright |
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I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright |
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright |
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I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright |
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright |
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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Steven Wright |
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright |
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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Steven Wright |
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
Steven Wright |
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright |
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I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
Steven Wright |
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright |
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright |
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I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Steven Wright |
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