Little Johnny @ School
Doing math multiplication on the floor
How far Little Johnny was from the right answer
Not only the dog ate Little Johnny’s homework

Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Little Johnny: “A teacher.”

History Teacher: “Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?”
Little Johnny: “I’m stumped.”

History Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny: “Because George still had the ax in his hand.”

Teacher: “Johnny, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”
Little Johnny: “No, teacher, it’s the same dog.”

Teacher: “Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’ ”
Little Johnny: “I is...”
Teacher: “No, Johnny. Always say, ‘I am.’ ”
Little Johnny: “All right. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’ ”

Teacher: “Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?”
Little Johnny: “I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”

Teacher: “Johnny, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ ”
Little Johnny: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”
Little Johnny: “Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.”

Teacher: “Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
Little Johnny: “You told me to do it without using tables.”

Teacher: “Johnny, go to the map and find North America.”
Little Johnny: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now, who discovered America?”
Little Johnny: “Johnny.”

Teacher: “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”
Little Johnny: “No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.”

Basketball Coach: “I believe you’ve grown two feet over the summer.”
Little Johnny: “No, coach - I still only have two.”

Chemistry Teacher: “What is the formula for water?”
Little Johnny: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”
Chemistry Teacher: “Why would you give a silly answer like that?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was H to O!”

Coach: “Remember, football develops character, individuality, and leadership.”
Little Johnny: “Yes, coach.”
Coach: “Now go out there and do exactly what I tell you.”

Dad: “Hard work never killed anyone.”
Little Johnny: “That’s the trouble - I want to engage in something that has a little danger to it.”

Dad: “How were the exam questions?”
Little Johnny: “Easy.”
Dad: “Then why do you look so unhappy?”
Little Johnny: “The questions didn’t give me any trouble - just the answers.”

Dad: “I hear you skipped school to play football?”
Little Johnny: “No, I didn’t - and I have the fish to prove it.”

Dad: “I want you to have all the things I didn’t have.”
Little Johnny: “You mean like all A’s on your report card?”

Little Johnny: “Three seats.”

Dad: ”Look at this report card - your teacher says she can’t teach you anything!”
Little Johnny: “I told you she was no good.”

Dad: “Stop asking so many questions. Don’t you know that curiosity killed the cat?”
Little Johnny: “Really? What did the cat want to know?”

Dad: “What did you learn today?”
Little Johnny: “Not enough - I have to go back tomorrow.”

Dad: ”Would you mind explaining the meaning of this D and F on your report card?”
Little Johnny: “No problem, Dad. It stands for ‘Doing Fine.’”

Dad: “You were absent on the day of the Math test?”
Little Johnny: “No - but the boy who sits next to me was.”

English Teacher: “Do you know what an inkling is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a baby fountain pen.”

English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?”
Little Johnny: “The same as everyone else.”

English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.”
Little Johnny: “One-a-see, two-a-see...”

English Teacher: “Use the following word in a sentence: ‘districts’.”
Little Johnny: “Districts the best anyone has done since Houdini.”
English Teacher: “Now use the word ‘flounder’.”
Little Johnny: “I looked for my sister and flounder in the library.”
English Teacher: “How about the word ‘decide’?”
Little Johnny: “My Dad got a flat tire so he pulled over to decide of the road.”
English Teacher: “Now, ‘odyssey’.”
Little Johnny: “You odyssey the movie I told you about.”
English Teacher: “And now try, ‘pursuit’.”
Little Johnny: “The store clerk said the price was \$200 pursuit.”
English Teacher: “Try, ‘boycott’.”
Little Johnny: “The boycott his pants on the fence.”
English Teacher: “Now use, ‘centimeter’.”
Little Johnny: “My sister was walking home from school, so I was centimeter.”
Little Johnny: “Julie loved to sing so she joined acquire.”
English Teacher: “Try, ‘descent’.”
Little Johnny: “The dog followed descent to catch the robber.”
English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘terrain’.”
Little Johnny: “The weather channel says it’s supposed terrain today.”
English Teacher: “Now try, ‘hatchet’.”
Little Johnny: “The chicken sat on the egg to hatchet.”
Little Johnny: “Last night abolished my shoes.”
Little Johnny: “I’ll bayou a new skateboard tomorrow.”
English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘distress’?”
Little Johnny: “Distress doesn’t fit.”
English Teacher: ”Johnny, give me a sentence with the word ‘diploma’ in it.”
Little Johnny: “The bathtub was clogged, so I called diploma.”
English Teacher: ”... now give me a sentence with the word ‘folder’ in it.”
Little Johnny: “We should show respect folder people.”
English Teacher: ”Johnny, use the word ‘arrest’ in a sentence.”
Little Johnny: “After pedaling up a street hill on a bicycle, I sure needed arrest.”
English Teacher: ”What about the word ‘coincide’?”
Little Johnny: “Whenever it rains, I coincide to stay dry.”
English Teacher: ”Johnny, use the word ‘column’ in a sentence.”
Little Johnny: “When I want to talk to a friend, I column up on the phone.”
English Teacher: ”Try the word ‘information’...”
Little Johnny: “Sometimes ducks fly information.”
Little Johnny: “My pants are so tight, they’ll tariff I bend over.”

English Teacher: ”Johnny, use the word ‘outwit’ in a sentence.”
Little Johnny: “My clothes get dirty every time I go outwit my friends.”

English Teacher: ”Please use the words ‘bitter end’ in a sentence.”
Little Johnny: “My mother bent over near my puppy and it bitter end.”

English Teacher: “What did you do this weekend?”
Little Johnny: “Jethro and me went to the ball game.”
English Teacher: “Jethro and I.”
Little Johnny: “No - you weren’t there.”

English Teacher: ”What is the meaning of ‘behold’?”
Little Johnny: “It’s what one bee wrestler uses to pin another bee wrestler.”

English Teacher: “Who can give me an example of a double negative?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know none.”

Friend: “What is your son Johnny taking in college?”

Little Johnny: “Dead? I didn’t even know he was sick.”

Geography Teacher: “What have all the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing, except they’ve made geography lessons harder.”

Geography Teacher: “What state would you find Lincoln in?”
Little Johnny: “A state of extreme boredom if he was in this class.”

Little Johnny: “My dad says the world is changing every day - so I decided to wait until it settles down.”

History Teacher: “Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood - he had to walk 7 miles to school every day.”
Little Johnny: “He should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else.”

History Teacher: “Did you know that oxygen was discovered in 1774?”
Little Johnny: “What did people breathe before that?”

History Teacher: “Do you know the 20th President of the United States?”
Little Johnny: “No - we were never introduced.”

History Teacher: “Everyone knows that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. What did his assistant Mr. Watson do?”
Little Johnny: “He sent out the phone bills.”

History Teacher: “How much water was each sailor in the Spanish Armada allowed to have?”
Little Johnny: “Half a galleon.”

History Teacher: “Name the first settler in the West.”
Little Johnny: “The Sun.”

History Teacher: “The early settlers had many hardships. Name one.”
Little Johnny: “The Mayflower.”

History Teacher: “What are the three zones on the earth?”
Little Johnny: “Tropic, temperate, and tow-away.”

History Teacher: “What did dinosaurs eat?”
Little Johnny: “Judging from the ones in the museum, they didn’t eat anything.”

History Teacher: “What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - I wasn’t invited.”

History Teacher: “What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “Tea Shirts.”

History Teacher: “When did Caesar reign?”
Little Johnny: “Did he reign? Of course he did - didn’t they hail him?”

History Teacher: “When was Rome built?”
Little Johnny: “At night.”
History Teacher: “Why did you say that?”
Little Johnny: “Because my Dad says that Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

History Teacher: “Where was the Magna Carta signed?”
Little Johnny: “At the bottom.”

History Teacher: “Why did the Canadian voyageurs cross the country in canoes?”
Little Johnny: “They didn’t want to wait 150 years for a train.”

History Teacher: “Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?”
Little Johnny: “They didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.”

History Teacher: “Why did you skip so many history classes?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t think I had to go every day - after all, history repeats itself.”

Jethro: “Can I borrow your book, ‘How To Become A Millionaire’?”
Little Johnny: “Sure - here it is.”
Jethro: “Thanks, but half the book is missing.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the matter - isn’t half a million good enough for you?”

Jethro: “Did the teacher really say your singing was heavenly?”
Little Johnny: “No, she said it was unearthly.”

Jethro: “Did you get hurt when you were on the football team?”
Little Johnny: “No, only when the team was on me.”

Jethro: “Did you pass the test on the North Pole?”
Little Johnny: “I knew it cold.”

Jethro: “Do you go to school?”
Little Johnny: “No - I’m sent.”

Jethro: “How is your brother doing in college?”
Little Johnny: “He’s halfback.”
Jethro: “I mean in his studies?”
Little Johnny: “Oh… in his studies he’s way back.”

Jethro: “How old is your grandmother?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know, but we’ve had her for quite a while.”

Jethro: “I got an ‘A’ in spelling.”
Little Johnny: “Silly - there’s no ‘A’ in spelling.”

Jethro: “I’m first in English class!”
Julie: “I’m first in Math!”
Little Johnny: “Well, when the school bell rings, I’m first out the door.”

Little Johnny: “I don’t know - I’m too scared to ask.”

Jethro: “My teacher talks to herself all the time.”
Little Johnny: “So does mine, but she thinks that we’re listening.”

Jethro: “The new watch I got is waterproof and can tell time underwater.”
Little Johnny: “That’s nothing. I dropped my watch into the Mississippi River three years ago and it’s still running.”
Jethro: “The same watch?”
Little Johnny: “Nope, the Mississippi.”

Jethro: “This class is so noisy I can’t hear myself speak!”
Little Johnny: “You aren’t missing much…”

Jethro: “What are you doing in school?”
Little Johnny: “Taking a part in a guessing game.”
Jethro: “I thought you were taking a Math test?”
Little Johnny: “I am.”

Jethro: “What are you doing with a hot dog on your ear?”
Little Johnny: “Uh-oh! I must have eaten my pencil.”

Jethro: “What did the teacher think of your idea?”
Little Johnny: “She took it like a lamb.”
Jethro: “What did she say?”
Little Johnny: “Baa!”

Jethro: “What do you wanna do?”
Little Johnny: “Let’s flip a coin. Heads we go fishing and tails we go biking. If it lands on its side we go home and study.”

Jethro: “What happened to you?”
Little Johnny: “I just had a run-in with the school bully.”
Jethro: “How did it happen?”
Little Johnny: “He said he had half a mind to beat me up.”
Jethro: “And you agreed to let him beat you up?”
Little Johnny: “No, I agreed he had half a mind.”

Jethro: “What’s the hardest thing for you in school?”
Little Johnny: “Whispering to the person next to me without moving my lips.”

Jethro: “Why is it taking you so long to make Kool-Aid?”
Little Johnny: “You try getting two quarts of water in one of these tiny envelopes!”

Julie: “You remind me of vacation from school,”
Little Johnny: “In what way?”
Julie: “No class”

Librarian: “We just discovered an overdue library book you’ve had for some time now.”
Little Johnny: “Do I owe a big fine?.”
Librarian: “We’re naming the new library wing after you.”

Little Johnny: “Al is the first person you learn about in school.”
Jethro: “Al who?”
Little Johnny: “Alphabet.”

Little Johnny: “Dad - could you help me with my homework?”
Mom: “No - it wouldn’t be right.”
Little Johnny: “Well, at least you could try.”

Little Johnny: “Dad - the teacher thinks I should have a hard drive.”
Dad: “Hard drive? You can walk to school just like I did.”

Little Johnny: “Did you hear about the new college with an annual tuition of \$50,000?”
Little Johnny: “IOU.”

Little Johnny: “Hey, isn’t our principal stupid?”
Betty: “Do you know who I am?”
Little Johnny: “No, why should I?”
Betty: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”
Little Johnny: “Do you know who I am?”
Betty: “Thank goodness!”

Little Johnny: “How did I do, coach? Did you take my time?”
Coach: “I didn’t have to - you took it yourself.”

Little Johnny: “I can’t go to school today.”
Little Johnny: “Where don’t you feel well?”

Little Johnny: “What would you say if I got a 100 on my math test?”
Dad: “I’d be in shock - I’d probably have a heart attack.”
Little Johnny: “That’s why I settled for a 50.”

Little Johnny: “My brother is connected to the police department.”
Jethro: “How?”
Little Johnny: “By a pair of handcuffs.”

Little Johnny: “I couldn’t get to school because I started too late.”
Teacher: “Then why didn’t you start earlier?”
Little Johnny: “It was too late to start early.”

Little Johnny: “I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.”
Teacher: “Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can think of.”

Little Johnny: “I don’t think my teacher likes me.”
Veronica: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “During fire drills he tells me to stay in my seat.”

Little Johnny: “I failed every subject except for algebra.”
Jethro: “How did you keep from failing that?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t take algebra.”

Little Johnny: “I finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.”
Jethro: “Did it take you long?”
Little Johnny: “The box said from eight to twelve years, but I finished it in less than a month.”

Little Johnny: “I got a hundred in school today - in two subjects!”
Mom: “My goodness, how did you do that?”
Little Johnny: “I got fifty in Math and fifty in Science.”

Little Johnny: “I got two medals in music. One gold and one silver. The silver one was for playing the piano.”
Piano Teacher: “I know - the gold one was for stopping.”

Little Johnny: “I have a question.”
Teacher: “What is it?”
Little Johnny: “If light travels at 186,000 miles per second, how come it goes so slowly when we’re in school?”

Little Johnny: “I know someone 30 years old who’s still in the fifth grade.”
Jethro: “No way!”
Little Johnny: “My teacher.”

Little Johnny: “I know the capital of North Carolina.”
Jethro: “Really?”
Little Johnny: “No - Raleigh.”

Little Johnny: “I’ll never learn to spell.”
Jethro: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher keeps changing the words.”

Little Johnny: “I only made three mistakes in school today.”
Mom: “That’s not bad - what were they?”
Little Johnny: “I flunked History, Math, and English.”

Little Johnny: “I’m not going back to school ever again.”
Mom: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher doesn’t know a thing - all she does is ask questions.”

Little Johnny: “I’m thinking of having my ears pierced.”
Music Teacher: “You might as well. You pierced mine a long time ago.”

Little Johnny: “I was a hit in the school play. I had the audience glued to their seats.”
Drama Teacher: “Wonderful - how clever of you to think of that.”

Little Johnny: “I went to football tryouts yesterday.”
Jethro: “Did you make the team?”
Little Johnny: “I think so. The coach took one look at me and said, ‘This is the end.’”

Little Johnny: “I wish I had lived a thousand years ago.”
Jethro: “Why?”
Little Johnny: “Because then I wouldn’t have so much history to learn.”

Little Johnny: “I wrote home for money to buy a study lamp.”
Jethro: “What happened?”
Little Johnny: “They sent me the lamp.”

Little Johnny: “Is there life after death?”
Little Johnny: “I may need extra time to do my homework.”

Little Johnny: “Mom, could you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem?”
Mom: “Don’t tell me they haven’t found it yet. They were looking for it when I was a child.”

Little Johnny: “Mom - I made 70 on my test paper.”
Mom: “Great. Did anyone make 100?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - all the other kids.”

Little Johnny: “Mom - the teacher kept me in for something I didn’t do.”
Mom: “Really - what was it?”
Little Johnny: “My homework.”

Little Johnny: “My dog knows Math.”
Jethro: “He does?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - when I ask him what 10 minus 10 is, he says nothing.”

Little Johnny: “My folks are sending me away to school.”
Jethro: “Why is that?”
Little Johnny: “So they won’t have to help me with my homework.”

Little Johnny: “My sister ate some bad chicken in the school cafeteria yesterday.”
Jethro: “Croquette?”
Little Johnny: “Not yet, but she’s awfully sick.”

Little Johnny: “My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.”
School Secretary: “Who is this?”
Little Johnny: “This is my father speaking.”

Little Johnny: “My Sunday School teacher says that we are on earth to help other people.”
Principal: “Of course.”
Little Johnny: “Then what are the other people here on earth for?”

Little Johnny: “My teacher doesn’t even know what a horse looks like.”
Betty: “That’s impossible.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I drew a picture of a horse and she asked me what it was.”

Little Johnny: “My teacher told me not to take any more baths.”
Mom: “Are you sure that’s what she said?”
Little Johnny: “She told me to stay out of hot water.”

Little Johnny: “My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.”
Mom: “Well, next time remember where you put things.”

Little Johnny: “My uncle is in medical school.”
Jethro: “What’s he studying?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing - they’re studying him.”

Little Johnny: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten!”
Teacher: “Didn’t you forget something? What happened to nine?”
Little Johnny: “No - seven eight nine.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher - I can’t solve this problem.”
Math Teacher: “Any five year old should be able to solve this one.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder I can’t do it then - I’m nearly ten.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, will you pass the nuts?”
Teacher: “No, I think I’ll flunk them.”

Little Johnny: “The basketball coach is taking us hunting.”
Jethro: “Hunting? Are you sure?”
Little Johnny: “Yes. He said we were going to shoot some hoops.”

Little Johnny: “The doctor says I can’t play football.”
Coach: “I could have told you that.”

Little Johnny: “The dog ate my homework.”
Teacher: “Johnny, you don’t have a dog.”
Little Johnny: “It was a stray.”

Little Johnny: “The driver in front of us must be one of my teachers.”
Jethro: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “He’s so stubborn about letting us pass.”

Little Johnny: “What good is the rain?”
Teacher: “It makes things grow - the grass, the flowers, the bees.”
Little Johnny: “Then why does it rain on the sidewalk?”

Little Johnny: “What is ‘extinct’?”
Teacher: “Well, if all life on earth were wiped out, you could say the human race was extinct.”
Little Johnny: “But who would you say it to?”

Little Johnny: “What is sticky, purple, has fifteen legs, and is covered with hair?”
Jethro: “I don’t know”.
Little Johnny: “Neither do I, but they’re serving it in the school cafeteria.”

Little Johnny: “What is the first letter in ‘yellow’?”
Jethro: “Y”.
Little Johnny: “Because I want to know.”

Little Johnny: “The school’s going to burn down.”
Mom: “How do you know?”
Little Johnny: “We’ve been practicing for it all year.”

Little Johnny: “What’s the capital of Alaska?”
Teacher: “Juneau.”
Little Johnny: “If I knew, would I be asking you?”

Little Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “No, of course not.”
Little Johnny: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”

Waiter: “What happened?”
Little Johnny: “My knife slipped and I cut the cockroach in half.”

Little Johnny: “No - I got them all wrong by myself.”

Math Teacher: “I wish you would pay a little attention to your Math.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I do. I pay as little attention as possible.”

Math Teacher: “If I had ten lemons and I offered you six, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Ten - I don’t like lemons.”

Math Teacher: ”If I have four potatoes, added six more potatoes, then divided by two potatoes, what would I have?”
Little Johnny: “I was never too good at math potatoes.”

Math Teacher: “If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None - they were all copycats.”

Math Teacher: “If you cut three apples and two pears into ten pieces each, what would you have?”

Math Teacher: “If you had 300 pennies, 200 nickels and 50 quarters in your pocket, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Droopy pants.”

Math Teacher: “If you had three apples and ate one, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Three.”
Math Teacher: “Three?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, two on the outside and one on the inside.”

Math Teacher: “If you had four apples and I asked you for two, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Four.”
Math Teacher: “Four - why not two?”
Little Johnny: “I wouldn’t give you any.”

Math Teacher: “If your family owed \$300 to the phone company, \$800 to the landlord and \$200 for utilities, what would they have to pay?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing - we’d move to another city.”

Math Teacher: “What would you have if you had six apples in one hand and four in the other?”
Little Johnny: “Really big hands.”

Mom: “Did you finish that paper in school - the one where you had to name the nine greatest world figures?”
Little Johnny: “Almost - I still haven’t decided on a first baseman.”

Mom: “Have you been fighting again? I told you to count to 100 before doing anything when you’re angry.”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but the other boy’s Mom told him to count to 50.”

Mom: “How did you make out in school - did you pass?”
Little Johnny: “No, but I was almost at the top of the list of failures.”

Mom: “How do you like your new English teacher?”
Little Johnny: “I think she’s biased.”
Mom: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “She thinks words can only be spelled one way.”

Mom: “How was your day at school?”
Little Johnny: “Terrible - I was stung by a spelling bee.”

Mom: “How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “It was all right except for some man called ‘Teacher’ who kept spoiling all our fun.”

Mom: ”How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “Okay, but the teacher didn’t give me a present.”
Mom: ”Why would she give you a present?”
Little Johnny: “Because she said, ‘Johnny, sit there for the present.’”

Mom: “How was your geology class?”
Little Johnny: “I was rocked to sleep.”

Little Johnny: “Don’t worry - they teach the same thing at both ends.”

Mom: “I’m worried about you not getting enough sleep.”
Little Johnny: “Don’t worry, Mom. I make up for lost sleep in class.”

Mom: “Johnny brought a note from school.”
Mom: “They want a written excuse for his presence.”

Mom: “Shouldn’t you be doing your homework before going to the playground?”
Little Johnny: “I’ll let it slide.”

Mom: “Sit down and show me your report card.”
Little Johnny: “I can’t sit down - I just showed it to Dad.”

Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “How to write.”
Mom: “What did you write?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - they haven’t taught us how to read yet.”

Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “In Math we learned pi r squared... But that’s silly - everyone knows that pies are round.”

Mom: “What did your father say when he fell off the ladder?”
Little Johnny: “Shall I leave out the naughty words?”
Mom: “Of course, dear.”
Little Johnny: “Nothing.”

Mom: “What marks did you get in Phys Ed?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t get marks, only bruises.”

Mom: “What was the first thing you learned in class?”
Little Johnny: “How to talk without moving my lips.”

Mom: “What’s the matter with your dinner?”
Little Johnny: “Can you describe it for me, please - in case I need to tell the doctor later what I’ve eaten.”

Mom: “Who are you writing to?”
Little Johnny: “Myself.”
Mom: “What does the letter say?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - I haven’t received it yet.”

Mom: “Why are you home so early?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher asked me how far I could count, and I counted all the way home.”

Mom: “Why aren’t you doing very well in Canadian history?”
Little Johnny: “Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!”

Mom: “Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was my lunch money.”

Mom: “Would you walk to school in the rain or snow?”
Little Johnny: “No - never.”
Mom: “Then what would you walk to school in?”
Little Johnny: “My runners.”

Little Johnny: “Those aren’t grades - they’re vitamin deficiencies.”

Mother: “As a teacher, do you think my son Johnny is trying?”
Teacher: “Yes, your son is the most trying student in class.”

Mother: “My child is a genius. Little Johnny has the most original ideas, hasn’t he?”
Teacher: “Yes, especially when it comes to spelling.”

“Music is my worst subject,” Little Johnny noted flatly.

Music Teacher: “Do you know ‘London Bridge Is Falling Down’?.”
Little Johnny: “No - but I hope no one gets hurt.”

Principal: “Good job, Johnny. Your essay, ‘Why Video Games Are A Waste Of Time’ won the \$50 grand prize.”
Little Johnny: “Thanks - could I have it all in quarters?”

Principal: “Johnny, did you really call your teacher a meanie?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Principal: “And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, it is.”
Principal: “And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?”
Little Johnny: “No, but I’ll remember that for next time!”

Principal: “This is the fifth time this week you’ve been in my office. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Little Johnny: “I’m glad it’s Friday.”

Principal: “What’s your name, young man?”
Little Johnny: “Johnny”
Principal: “Say ‘sir’.”
Little Johnny: “All right, Sir Johnny.”

Sailor Dad: “I’m very disappointed in you, son.”
Little Johnny: “Why? I got all A’s and B’s on my report card.”
Sailor Dad: “I was hoping you’d follow in my footsteps and be a ‘sea’ student.”

School Nurse: “I think you should take something for that cold.”
Little Johnny: “Good - I’ll take the week off.”

Science Teacher: “Did you know that grasshoppers have antennas?”
Little Johnny: “Which channels do they get?”

Science Teacher: “How many ribs do you have?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - I’m too ticklish to count them.”

Science Teacher: “What family does the walrus belong to?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - no family near us has one.”

Science Teacher: “What is more important - the sun or the moon?”
Little Johnny: “The moon, because it shines when it’s dark. The sun shines during the day when it’s light anyway.”

Science Teacher: “What would happen if there were no water on earth?”
Little Johnny: “We’d all be thirsty.”

Sports Teacher: “Why did you show up to the baseball stadium dressed in a suit of armor?”
Little Johnny: “You told me it was a knight game.”

Sports Teacher: “Why didn’t you stop the ball?”
Little Johnny: “I thought that was what the net was for.”

Sunday School Teacher: ”Why did Moses wander in the desert for fourty years.”
Little Johnny: “He was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.”

Sunday School Teacher: “Would you like to go to Heaven?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but my Mom told me to come home right after Sunday School.”

Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder so many students flunk your tests.”

Teacher: ”According to motor vehicle statistics, a man gets hit with a car every 40 minutes.”
Little Johnny: “If I were him, I’d stay off the street.”

Teacher: “An anonymous person is one who doesn’t wish to be known.”
Little Johnny: “That’s a stupid definition.”
Teacher: “Who said that?”
Little Johnny: “An anonymous person.”

Teacher: “Are you good at Math?”
Little Johnny: “Yes and no.”
Teacher: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I’m no good at Math.”

Teacher: “Before we start the final exam, are there any questions?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - what’s the name of this course?”

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?”
Little Johnny: “Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”

Teacher: “Can you define classical music?”
Little Johnny: “Anything without an electric guitar.”

Teacher: “Can you describe an elevator?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a small room you go into and when you shut the door, the upstairs comes down.”

Teacher: “Can you explain the term, ‘inflation’?”
Little Johnny: “Every time my father gets a bill he blows up - that’s inflation.”

Teacher: “Can you tell me something important that didn’t’ exist years ago?”
Little Johnny: “Me.”

Teacher: “Can you tell me something that is dangerous to get close to and has a horn?”
Little Johnny: “A car.”

Teacher: “Can you tell me what a myth is?”
Little Johnny: “A female moth.”

Teacher: “Can you tell me what happened in 1776?”
Little Johnny: “I can’t even tell you what happened last night.”

Teacher: “Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had \$100 in it. I know you’re all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of \$10 to whoever returns it.”
Little Johnny (from back of room): “I’m offering \$20!”

Teacher: “Could you forgive a bully who insulted or hit you?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - if he was bigger than me.”

Teacher: “Did you do your homework?”
Little Johnny: “No, I thought you covered the subject pretty well in class.”

Teacher: “Didn’t you hear me call you?”
Little Johnny: “But you said not to talk back to you!”

Teacher: “Do you disobey your parents?”
Little Johnny: “No, sir.”
Teacher: “Come now, you must do something wrong every once in a while!”
Little Johnny: “I tell lies.”

Teacher: “Do you know why you get such poor grades?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Exactly.”

Teacher: “Do you like arithmetic?”
Little Johnny: “Sum of it.”

Teacher: “Do you like going to school?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, and I like to come home too. It’s the staying there in between that I don’t like.”

Teacher: “Do you like homework?”
Little Johnny: “I like nothing better.”

Teacher: ”Do you think you can sleep in my class?”
Little Johnny: “I could if you didn’t talk so loud.”

Teacher: “Everyone says we should conserve energy. How can we do that?”
Little Johnny: “By staying in bed all day.”

Teacher: “Have you kept up with your studies?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but I haven’t passed them yet.”

Teacher: “Haven’t you finished cleaning the blackboard yet?”
Little Johnny: “Not yet. The more I clean, the blacker it gets.”

Teacher: “How did the Vikings send secret messages?”
Little Johnny: “By Norse code.”

Teacher: “How do you spell, ‘Relief’?”
Little Johnny: “F - A - R - T.”

Teacher: “How do you spell, ‘Saskatchewan’ ?”
Little Johnny: “The province or the river?”

Teacher: “How many feet does a moose have?”
Little Johnny: “Six - forelegs at the front, and two at the back.”

Teacher: “How old will a person be who was born in 1970?”
Little Johnny: “Man or woman?”

Teacher: “I ain’t had no fun all summer. Now how should I correct that sentence?”
Little Johnny: “Get a hobby.”

Teacher: “I asked you to come in to discuss Little Johnny’s appearance.”
Little Johnny’s Mother: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?”
Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”

Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow eating some grass - why have you only drawn the cow?”
Little Johnny: “The cow ate all the grass.”

Teacher: “I found out you cheated on your test, so I’m changing your A to an F. Do you have anything to say?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - that’s pretty degrading.”

Teacher: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there will be a half day of school on Monday morning.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the bad news?”
Teacher: “The bad news - there will be another half day of school on Monday afternoon.”

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Jethro’s test paper.”
Little Johnny: “I hope you didn’t see me either.”

Teacher: “I take real pleasure in giving you a 90 on the test.”
Little Johnny: “Why don’t you give me a 100 and really enjoy yourself?”

Teacher: “I think I caught you copying off Jethro’s paper.”
Little Johnny: “No, I didn’t.”
Teacher: “Okay - what have you got for question seven?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know. He hasn’t gotten to that one yet.”

Teacher: “I thought you promised me you’d pass the test.”
Little Johnny: “I did. I passed it on to the kid behind me.”

Teacher: “If 12 make a dozen, how many make a billion?”
Little Johnny: “Very few.”

Teacher: “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, please hold up two fingers.”
Little Johnny: “How will that help?”

Teacher: “If ‘can’t’ is short for ‘cannot’, what is ‘don’t’ short for?”
Little Johnny: “Doughnut.”

Teacher: “If it takes five men fifteen hours to build a brick wall, how long would it take ten men to do it?”
Little Johnny: “Why should they do it at all? The five men just did it.”

Teacher: ”If there are a dozen flies on the table and you swat one, how many are left?”
Little Johnny: “Just the dead one.”

Teacher: “If you don’t study, I may have to put a dunce cap on you.”
Little Johnny: “No, you don’t - I can put it on myself.”

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?”
Little Johnny: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Little Johnny: “No - you don’t know my father.”

Teacher: “If you’re a troublemaker, stand up.”
Little Johnny: (stands up)
Teacher: “Are you a troublemaker?”
Little Johnny: “No - I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Teacher: “In history we have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Can you name another Age?”
Little Johnny: “The sausage.”

Teacher: “Is Lapland heavily populated?”
Little Johnny: “No - there are not many Lapps to the mile.”

Teacher: “Is there anything you can do better than anyone else?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - read my own handwriting.”

Teacher: ”It took close to 100 years to build one pyramid.”
Little Johnny: “Must be the same contractor who’s renovating our house.”

Teacher: “Johnny, did you write that poem all by yourself?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Teacher: “Then I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Keats. I thought you died 100 years ago.”

Teacher: “Johnny, how come you’re such a perfect idiot?”
Little Johnny: “I spend a lot of time watching you.”

Teacher: “Johnny, if I put a dozen marbles in my right pocket, fifteen marbles in my left pocket, and thirty-one marbles in my back pocket, what would I have?
Little Johnny: “Heavy pants.”

Teacher: ”Johnny, if you were facing east, what would be on your right hand?”
Little Johnny: “My fingers.”

Teacher: “Johnny, I’ve had to send you to the principal’s office every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Little Johnny: “I’m glad it’s Friday!”

Teacher: “Johnny, what happened in the year 1492?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know, I wasn’t alive back then.”
Teacher: “That’s enough of that, Johnny. Now, I’ll give you a hint - do Niňa, Pinta, and Santa Maria sound familiar?”
Little Johnny: “Not to me. I don’t know a lot about salsa music.”

Teacher: ”Johnny, what is another name for a bunch of bees?”
Little Johnny: “A good report card.”

Teacher: ”Johnny, who was the first woman?”
Little Johnny: “How should I know?”
Teacher: ”I’ll give you a hint - it had something to do with an apple.”
Little Johnny: “Oh, yeah, I know - Granny Smith!”

Teacher: “Johnny - your handwriting is terrible.”
Little Johnny: “That’s OK - I’m going to be a Doctor.”

Teacher: “Many people think fish is brain food. What do you think?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think so. If they’re so smart, why do so many of them get caught?”

Teacher: “Name a great timesaver.”
Little Johnny: “Love at first sight.”

Teacher: “Our subject today is overcrowding. Who can give me an example of overcrowding?”
Little Johnny: “Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub.”

Teacher: “Remember the story of the lamb who strayed from the flock and was eaten by the wolf. If he had remained with the flock, he wouldn’t have been eaten by the wolf, would he?”
Little Johnny: “No - he would have been eaten by us.”

Teacher: “Sometimes I think no one in this class hears a thing I say.”
Little Johnny: “What?”

Teacher: “Spell ‘cattle’.”
Little Johnny: “C-A-T-T-T-L-E.”
Teacher: “Leave out one of the ‘T’s.”
Little Johnny: “Which one?”

Teacher: “Thank you for giving me an apple - but why did you give me only the core?”
Little Johnny: “Do you like apples?”
Teacher: “Yes, I do.”
Little Johnny: “So do I.”

Teacher: “The African Plains are inhabited by gnus. Johnny, can you tell us what’s a gnu?”
Little Johnny: “Not much. What’s a gnu with you?”

Teacher: “The early bird catches the worm - what does that mean?”
Little Johnny: “Some animals don’t care what they eat.”

Teacher: ”The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.”
Little Johnny: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”

Teacher: “The President’s wife is the first lady.”
Little Johnny: “I thought Eve was.”

Teacher: “There are many different species of birds, Johnny. What kind of bird to you like best?”
Little Johnny: “Fried chicken.”

Teacher (teaching students about magnets): “This morning we are going to discuss something that starts with the letter ‘M’. It has six letters and picks up things. What is it?”
Little Johnny: “Mother.”

Teacher: “This test is multiple choice.”
Little Johnny: “Then I choose not to take it.”

Teacher: “To have self-confidence you must avoid negative words such as “can’t” and “not”. Do you think you can do that?”
Little Johnny: “I can’t see why not.”

Teacher: “Today we will discuss ‘The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. Who can tell us about Quasimodo? Johnny, can you?”
Little Johnny: “No, but the name does ring a bell.”

Teacher: “Tomorrow is groundhog day. Who can tell me what a groundhog is?”
Little Johnny: “I can. Sausage.”

Teacher: “We start school exactly at eight o’clock.”
Little Johnny: “That’s okay with me, but if I’m not here by then just go ahead and start without me.”

Teacher: “What are the five senses?”
Little Johnny: “A nickel.”

Teacher: “What are the Great Plains?”
Little Johnny: “747, F-16 and the Concorde.”

Teacher: “What are we talking about when we say the whole is greater than the sum of its parts?”
Little Johnny: “A doughnut.”

Teacher: “What are you doing in the sixth grade?”
Little Johnny: “I was just going to ask you the same question.”

Teacher: “What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny: “A soldier.”
Teacher: “What if you get killed?”
Little Johnny: “Who would kill me?”
Teacher: “The enemy.”
Little Johnny: “Then I’ll be the enemy.”

Teacher: “What do you expect to be when you get out of school?”
Little Johnny: “An old man.”

Teacher: “What family does the octopus belong to?”
Little Johnny: “Nobody I know.”

Teacher: “What were your two best subjects in nursery school?”
Little Johnny: “Sandbox and resting.”

Teacher: “What would you like to do in school this year?”

Teacher: “What’s the definition of ignorance?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “What’s your favourite U.S. state?”
Little Johnny: “Mississippi.”
Teacher: “Spell it.”
Little Johnny: “I changed my mind. It’s Ohio.”

Parent: “Hy.”
Teacher: “And what’s your son’s name?”
Parent: “Junior Hy.”

Teacher: “When Eskimos used to trade, they used fish instead of money.”
Little Johnny: “They must have had a hard time getting soda from a machine.”

Teacher: “When I call on you I’d like you to stand up and tell everyone your name.”
Girl: “My name is Jule.”
Teacher: “Please tell us your full name - you shouldn’t use contractions. Your full name is Julius. Okay, next - what is your name?”
Little Johnny: “Well, I guess I’m a Johnnius.”

Teacher: “When you yawn, you’re supposed to put your hand to your mouth!”
Little Johnny: “What? And get bitten!”

Teacher: “Whenever I ask a question, I want you to answer at once, Johnny. How much is seven plus two?”
Little Johnny: “At once.”

Teacher: “Where is the English Channel?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know - my TV doesn’t pick it up.”

Teacher: “Where is the Red Sea?”
Little Johnny: “On my report card.”

Little Johnny: “I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine.”

Little Johnny: “I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away.”

Little Johnny: “I put it in a safe, but lost the combination.”

Little Johnny: “My sister ate it.”

Little Johnny: “Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing.”

Little Johnny: “Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain works.”

Teacher: “Who do you think is responsible for the high cost of electricity?”
Little Johnny: “The man who comes to read the meter.”

Teacher: “Who knows the story, ‘Once upon a time…’?”
Little Johnny: “I know that one.”
Teacher: “Okay, how does it end?”
Little Johnny: “Happily ever after.”

Teacher: “Who succeeded Canada’s first prime minister?”
Little Johnny: “The second one.”

Teacher: ”Why are you taking art classes?”
Little Johnny: “So I can draw my own conclusions.”

Teacher: “Why are you writing on a piece of sandpaper?”
Little Johnny: “You told us to write a rough draft.”

Teacher: “Why aren’t you going home from school?”
Little Johnny: “My mother told me not to leave school until I graduate.”

Teacher: “Why can’t you answer any of my questions?”
Little Johnny: “If I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here.”

Teacher: “Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?”
Little Johnny: “Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing.”

Teacher: “Why did you go fishing instead of writing your book report?”
Little Johnny: “Book report? I thought you said ‘brook report’!”

Teacher: “Why didn’t you do your homework?”
Little Johnny: “The hard drive ate it.”

Teacher: “Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?”
Little Johnny: “Because it has four eyes and can’t see.”

Teacher: “Will you stop passing notes!”
Little Johnny: “We’re not passing notes - we’re playing cards.”

Teacher: “You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?”
Little Johnny: “No, I’m having trouble listening.”

Teacher: “You copied from Jethro’s exam paper, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “How do you know?”
Teacher: “Jethro’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you have put ‘Me, neither’.”

Teacher: “You got excused because you said your grandma was dying. Today I saw her in the beauty salon.”
Little Johnny: “She was dyeing her hair. Now she’s a blonde.”

Teacher: “’You’ is a pronoun.”
Little Johnny: “You is?”

Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “Not very much.”

Teacher: “You’re late. Would you please take a seat.”
Little Johnny: “Sure - where to?”

Teacher: “You should not say, ‘I ain’t going.’ You should say, ‘I’m not going, he’s not going, they’re not going.’ ”
Little Johnny: “Gee, ain’t anybody going?”

Teacher: “Your son has the worst report card I’ve ever seen.”
Parent: “What makes it so bad?”
Teacher: “He even flunked recess.”