Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
An operation of the most extreme daring. - Alfred Jodl
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
About half my time is spent on business operation type stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. - Irvin S Cobb
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Faith is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see -
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency. - Emily Dickinson
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
Doctor & Medical Sections
HMO Judgment Day
New Medic Alert Bracelet
Meat You In The Locker Room
Baby's Dog Rug
Seeing Eye Cat
Computer Multitasker - He Be Da' Man!
Spamdex Pork Shorts
What's Your Blues Name?
Big Sister vs Big Brother
Growing Own Pot
Duct Tape Wall Bed