Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman
Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
About half my time is spent on business operation type stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
Co-Operation: An exchange between a woman and a man in which she coos and he operates - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
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