[Top six crazy reasons for why someone might return
their library books late, from the Vancouver Public Library, Fall 2005…]
Almost Forgotten
I was going to return the books I had and on time too! But, unfortunately, I
forgot they were library books. You know how that can happen: you forget what
the bar code is, you no longer notice the VPL stamp. So anyway, there were the
eight library books, right? I decided to give them all to my local hospital.
Very kind of me, I thought.
A week later I received a “late notice.” Back to the hospital, I ripped the
books out of the hands of the sick, the weak, and the husband of a woman having
twins.
- Karen Segal
Acute Bibliomania
I’m sorry my dearly beloved is late. You see I have recently been diagnosed with
an advanced stage of acute
bibliomania followed by occasional bouts of
bibliolatry. I’ve struggled with symptoms since I learned to read and rare books
are my greatest weakness. Therefore, parting our ways with fines to boot is just
unthinkable!
(In an aside with hypnotic language...):
Oh how you’ve toiled
Both long and hard
Your pages are slightly yellowed
Your words are rather grey.
How I wish
We could be together everyday
Goodbye my love! (Glancing back at the attendant...)
Take good care of her…
- Tracy B. Lyons
An Excruciatingly Tired Borrower
I was sitting in my boxers in the back of the Laundromat washing my jeans and
t-shirts when this woman walks in and loads up one, two, three machines
including the one beside me. I had to keep my book (Jared
Diamond's 'Collapse',
576pp.) wide open so she wouldn’t see
my boxers which had big red polka dots, a present from my ex-wife when she was
still my wife. Anyway, it was difficult to read the book while holding it this
way and my arms were so tired so I finished at home and couldn’t return it till
today.
- Joe L. Sparovec
An Excruciatingly Tiresome Read
Oh, yes, I know it’s overdue. It couldn’t be helped, really. You see, this book
isn’t particularly well written. To be blunt, it is quite a boring read. In
fact, it is so excruciatingly tiresome it renders you comatose – a bona fide
soporific! A few of the third chapter’s more vapid passages put me in such a
deep hibernation that it took four weeks before I could even speak again. I
ought to be rewarded really, for keeping such a dreadful book out of circulation
as long as I did. But don’t fret: letting the fine go will be reward enough.
- Rhiannon Coppin
Captured By Pirates
Captured by pirates in Georgia Strait, I avoided walking the plank by offering
to read the wicked captain the entire Modern Library edition (872 pages) of the
Arabian Nights. The captain was so enchanted that he demanded more. Accordingly
I read him all of Jane Fonda’s workout book, the Canadian master tax guide, and
Chilton’s Volvo repair manual. I was a prisoner for months, and developed polyps
on my larynx. The aforementioned titles have sustained serious water damage. I
trust that you will cancel my fines and all other charges on compassionate
grounds.
- G. Robertson
Whale of a Tale
When I was eleven years old I was obsessed with whales. T-shirts, lunch boxes,
backpacks – all had pictures of whales. When I accrued my fines I had 22 whale
books borrowed from the library. I had them with me in my beluga backpack when
Mom and Dad took me on a whale watch off the coast of Cape Breton Island. After
two hours and no whale sightings, a storm began to brew. Waves capsized over the
hull of the boat. The captain said we’d turn around. But I was determined to see
a whale. I gout out my book of Atlantic whale calls and convinced almost
everyone on board to try them with me. After a while we saw an Atlantic Sperm
whale! Everyone held their breath. I leaned over the rail, book bag on one
shoulder, and called again. Suddenly the whale appeared right before me,
spraying everyone. Shocked, I lost my balance and dropped my book bag over the
side of the hull. To this day I claim my 22 library books were eaten by a whale.
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