A N T I B O Y O T I C S
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.
A N T I T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
D U B M E R O L (or for non-Joe-ksters: D U M B E R O L)
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the “Not now, Dear, I have a headache” syndrome.
ST. M O M M A ’ S W O R T
Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
Send these to any woman who needs a good laugh - and any man who can handle it...
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Apology to Potential Criminals
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