I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison
My Dad is Irish and my Mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never
smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were
given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She’ll go, “What’s my favourite flower?” And you
murmur to yourself: “Shoot, I wasn’t listening… Self-raising?”
Addy VanDerBorgh
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb
I saw that show, “50 Things To Do Before You Die”. I would have thought the
obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
Mark Watson
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and
a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”.
The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the
circus?”
The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber.”
Steven Alan Green
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud, “I’ve already got
one!”
Norman Lovett
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
Chris Addison
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good
at it.
Arnold Brown
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on
to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
Milton Jones
see also
Quote Section
 It's A Keeper |  Plankstanders |  Millionaire Women |  Laptop Cooler |  Scan Scam |
 Motorcycle Taxi |  I've Got Time |  Clangeroo |  Redneck Cooler |  Instead Of Flowers |
 Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side |  I Love Summer |  Karma Towing |  Salmon-chanted Evening |  Hands On Tree |
 Fart Facts |  New Medicare Program for Senior Citizens |  Down Under Bat |  Muffler Hanger |  Construction Playground |
24-Jul-2021 |