Help Support an NHL Player During His Time Of Need

Since September, 2012, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow disease, SARS, Avian flu, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren’t bad enough, they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months - possibly longer - as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it’s a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month’s rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $20 per minute)
[ ] Sidney Crosby (Higher cost: $63,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $894.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Sidney Crosby 2012 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr (Executive Director of the NHLPA player’s Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $120 for hat).

Your Name: ___________
Telephone Number: ___________
Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

QuotaBills
Hockey is a tough game. - Bobby Orr

Every day is a great day for hockey. - Mario Lemieux

Hockey is figure skating in a war zone. - Unknown

To succeed in hockey, you need teamwork. - Henry Samueli

Pro Bozo Publico: Support your local clown - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Some guys play hockey. Gretzky plays 40-mph chess. - Lowell Cohn

Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne

I want men who will support me when I am in the wrong. - Lord Melbourne

Envy and greed starve on a healthy diet of thanksgiving. - Billy Graham

Conflict Of Interest: A dental school with a hockey team - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Some call it Cocktail Hour. To me, it's a support group. - Unknown

Glamour is on a life-support machine and not expected to live. - Joan Collins

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. - Steven Wright

By 1946, I knew Detroit was the best hockey city in the Original Six. - Ted Lindsay

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained. - Mahatma Gandhi

I love hockey because of the respect for history and for the game itself. - George Vecsey

Sometimes it just feels like the only thing you do is play hockey and eat. - Henrik Lundqvist

You can't play hockey with a bald spot, so I'm hanging up the skates. - Joe Sakic

There is sufficiency in the world for man's need but not for man's greed. - Mahatma Gandhi

I never looked at hockey as work. Now that I'd finished playing, I had to go to work. - Bobby Orr

I like ice hockey. No one is ever going to ask me to write about that as a metaphor for life. - Steven Pinker

We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more. - Anne-Sophie Swetchine

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. - Charles Kuralt

I think the thing you always got to keep in mind, you know, hockey is a game of one-on-one battles. - Mark Messier

Field hockey is my strongest sport, and if I lose a game, I take a long, hot bath and moan about it. - Emma Watson

We can make fun of hockey fans, but someone who enjoys Homer is indulging the same kind of vicarious bloodlust. - Steven Pinker

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick. - Sarah Palin

What is politics but persuading the public to vote for this and support that and endure these for the promise of those? - Gilbert Highet

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - Bertrand Russell

The possibility that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. - Abraham Lincoln

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. - Jerry Seinfeld

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods

When it comes to hockey, it's been in my blood since I was 3 or 4 years old. I love coaching the kids, especially at that level. - Mario Lemieux

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. - Jay Leno

If I'm ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, I definitely want to be unplugged, but not until I'm down to a size eight. - Henriette Mantel

When I walk down the street in New York, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, "Hey, you hockey puck!" - Don Rickles

Playoff hockey is the best way to market your team. It's the best way to grow your fan base and give hope to your players and for them to develop. - Steve Yzerman

see also Finance, Hockey & Stress Sections
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29-Jun-2022