Lady’s Yearly Exam
Time for your yearly physical?

I went to the Doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’ 2”.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender - now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.


QuotaBills
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper

Diabetes taught me discipline. - Sonia Sotomayor

I think I can wipe out diabetes. - Robert Atkins

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown

No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley

I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel

There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson

The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. - Unknown

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain

Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your health. - Unknown

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

Mental will is a muscle that needs exercise, just like muscles of the body. - Lynn Jennings

In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke

My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts. - Tyler Oakley

Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

Age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body. - Unknown

People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders

Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

The cure for a broken heart is simple, my lady. A hot bath and a good night's sleep. - Margaret George

Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the power of the mind. - Marcel Proust

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath

Most religious people accept medicine as a gift from God and reap the benefits of both realms. - Caroline Fraser

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

I've always been independent. I've always had courage. But I didn't always own my diabetes. - Mary Tyler Moore

They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

Concentrating on poses clears the mind, while focusing on the breath helps the body shift out of fight or flight mode. - Melanie Haiken

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

There's a belonging problem in Hollywood. Who dictates who belongs? The very body who dictates that looks all one way. - Ava DuVernay

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

When a woman puts on a heel, she has a different posture, a different attitude. She really stands up and has a consciousness of her body. - Christian Louboutin

I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed

Getting wrapped up in worries is bad for your body and spirit. That's when you must short out your logic circuits and reboot your heart. - Pokemon

Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry

You've heard of people calling in sick. You may have called in sick a few times yourself. But have you ever thought about calling in well? - Tom Robbins

If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise

If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. - George S Patton

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


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20-Sep-2020