Bat House

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

In the ant's house, the dew is a flood. - Danish Proverb

There will be no whitewash at the White House. - Richard M Nixon

At my house, Dust is a noun, not a verb. - Unknown

He'd go through the house like Typhoon Mary. - Archie Bunker

The words you speak become the house you live in. - Hafiz

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Peace and a well-built house cannot be bought too dearly. - Danish Proverb

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

I wanted a man who wouldn't stray so I'm dating a guy on house arrest. - Kim Bove

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Someone told me I was immature. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now? - Unknown

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on? - Henry David Thoreau

If you want to see me, come over anytime. If you want to see my house, make an appointment. - Unknown

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

I want a house with a garden, but slap bang in the centre of London. Next door to a sushi bar. - Michelle Dockery

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright

He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his. - William Shakespeare

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots. - Ozzy Osbourne

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

In France we leave unmolested those who set fire to the house, and persecute those who sound the alarm. - Sebastien Chamfort

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein

The Honourable Lady was once an egg and people on both sides of this House greatly regret its fertilisation. - Nicholas Fairbairn

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

Eden is that old-fashioned house
We dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode
Until we drive away. - Emily Dickinson

I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert. I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house-top. - Bible

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. - Lady Hasluck

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright