Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
I work until beer o'clock. - Stephen King

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. - Mark Twain

Live your life, do your work, then take your hat. - Henry David Thoreau

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

Purposeful action is thus the goal of all that is truly educative. - John Dewey

Careful thinking and hard work will solve nearly all your problems. - Ullery

Love and work are to people, what water and sunshine are to plants. - Jonathan Haidt

The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play. - Arnold J Toynbee

Happiness is the real sense of fulfillment that comes from hard work. - Joseph Barbara

Man - a creature created at the end of a work week when God was tired. - Mark Twain

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office. - Thomas Jefferson

The idea of dying and coming back is what makes the Halloween films work. - Donald Pleasence

There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary. - Donald Kimball

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. - Ogden Nash

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. - Aristotle

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment. - Dale Carnegie

Farmers don't just work til the sun goes down; they work til the job gets done. - Unknown

Success is the progressive realization of predetermined, worthwhile, personal goals. - Paul J Meyer

Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis

Stop setting goals. Goals are pure fantasy unless you have a specific plan to achieve them. - Stephen Covey

Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence. - Colin Powell

Work while you have the light. You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you. - Henri F Amiel

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

I have far too many skeletons in my closet to think about any sort of serious mention of public office. - David Cone

Reporter: "How many people work at the Vatican?"
Pope John XXIII: "About half." - Pope John XXIII

What greater aspiration and challenge are there for a mother than the hope of raising a great son or daughter? - Rose Kennedy

If you set your goals ridiculously high and it's a failure, you will fail above everyone else's success. - James Cameron

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son. - Ben Stein

How lawyers make work for one another! You're all priests, worshipping the same god. No wonder you adore one another. - Joyce Carol Oates

The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family. - Reed Markham

The companies that work are the ones that people really care about and have a vision for the world, so do something you like. - Mark Zuckerberg

The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; and third, common sense. - Thomas Edison

The road to success is not easy to navigate, but with hard work, drive and passion, it's possible to achieve the American dream. - Tommy Hilfiger

Dream big - dream very big. Word hard - work very hard. And after you've done all you can, you stand, wait, and fully surrender. - Oprah Winfrey

Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory. - Bernie Taupin

Good intentions aren't enough. People have good intentions when they set a goal to do something, but then they miss a deadline or other milestone. - Harvey Mackay

I'm always tinkering with something - suddenly I'll think I can work with wood, but then I'll realize I can't, so I go back to sewing. - Melissa McCarthy


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25-Nov-2020