Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Many hands make light work. - English Proverb

I eat less, stretch, and work out. - Ted Danson

What isn't tried won't work. - Claude McDonald

Stampede: A mad rush to the post office - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair. - Edmund Burke

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every member must work or quit. No honorary members. - Charles Finney

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

You do well to consider the office your own, for you bought it. - Julius Caesar's father

A good goal is like a strenuous exercise - it makes you stretch. - Mary Kay Ash

Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do. - Unknown

Work before pleasure - for there is no real pleasure without work. - Unknown

I believe in forgiveness; I believe in trying to work with people. - John Lewis

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

My goal was to play in the NHL, because that is the best hockey in the world. - Jaromir Jagr

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work. - Rita Mae Brown

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes... including you. - Anne Lamott

So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. - Peter F Drucker

Just as there are no little people or unimportant lives, there is no insignificant work. - Elena Bonner

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - Lawrence J Peter

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia. - Unknown

Sometimes you have to work hard for what you want. Sometimes, hard work is what makes it precious. - Ute Carbone

Liberate yourself today. At work or at home - you don't have to be how others expect you to be. - Elaine Harrison

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

Which is probably the reason why I work exclusively in black and white... to highlight that contrast. - Leonard Nimoy

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

Your problem is to bridge the gap which exists between where you are now and the goal you intend to reach. - Earl Nightingale

Love is hard work. It is the hardest work I know of, work from which you are never entitled to take a vacation. - Ravi Zacharias

No matter how talented you are, if you don't persist, the probability of achieving your goals is extremely small. - Camilla Dorand

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work. - Frank Zappa

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

If you've set goals and you want to achieve them, you have to think positively and achieving those goals will be a lot easier. - Becca Earl

A doable goal for me is to finish a marathon under four hours. I'm doing all the training, but the hardest part is eating right. - Sean Astin

The conventional definition of management is getting work done through people, but real management is developing people through work. - Agha Hasan Abedi

Success depends in a very large measure upon individual initiative and exertion, and cannot be achieved except by a dint of hard work. - Anna Pavlova

Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success. - Diana Rankin

Each one must learn for himself the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words. Men who work cannot dream, and wisdom comes to us in dreams. - Smohalla

When we encounter an unexpected challenge or threat, the only way to save ourselves is to hold on tight to the people around us and not let go. - Shawn Achor


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05-Aug-2021