Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
What isn't tried won't work. - Claude McDonald

Dreams don't work unless you do. - John C Maxwell

Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn

Hard work is the best remedy for all of life's trials. - Unknown

Get in touch with your passion and put it to work at work. - Marilyn Suttle

If Plan A didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters! - Claire Cook

A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar

From each according to his ability, to each according to his work - Claude de Rouvroy

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. - C S Lewis

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

Most people want to improve themselves, but not many want to work at it. - Unknown

Give it your all. Whatever work you do, do it to the best of your ability. - Jerry Dorsman

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan

Housework is work directly opposed to the possibility of human self-actualization. - Ann Oakley

Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it. - Henry David Thoreau

To be who you are and become what you are capable of is the only goal worth living. - Alvin Ailey

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not. - Elias Root Beadle

When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.' - Lao Tzu

The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure. - Francoise de Motteville

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. - George Carlin

The highest reward for your work is not what you get for it, but what you become by it. - John C Maxwell

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always find me and brings me back. - Joe-kster

Good leaders do not take on all the work themselves; neither do they take all the credit. - Unknown

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Stop setting goals. Goals are pure fantasy unless you have a specific plan to achieve them. - Stephen Covey

The surest way to establish your credit is to work yourself into the position of not needing any. - Maurice Switzer

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in hand. The Sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus. - Alexander Graham Bell

My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. - Milton Berle

The challenge of work-life balance is without question one of the most significant struggles faced by modern man. - Stephen Covey

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son. - Ben Stein

No matter how talented you are, if you don't persist, the probability of achieving your goals is extremely small. - Camilla Dorand

If you get up in the morning and you say, 'I got to go to work. How can I get out of this?' you're not happy. - Red Auerbach

If you want to reach a goal, you must 'see the reaching' in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal. - Zig Ziglar

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work. - Frank Zappa

Despite all our gains in technology, product innovation and world markets, most people are not thriving in the organizations they work for. - Stephen Covey

Without this playing with fantasy no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable. - Carl Jung

Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel

It wasn't until we got out first office in Palo Alto where things became more like a company. We never went into this wanting to build a company. - Mark Zuckerberg


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22-Sep-2020