Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work hard, play hard, change the world. - Amazon.com Motto

Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde

The harder you work, the luckier you get. - Gary Player

It's a poor rule that won't work both ways. - Frederick Douglass

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. - Polish Proverb

Britain's goal is not to survive, but to prevail. - Winston Churchill

It is only when I am doing my work that I am truly alive. - Federico Fellini

With his work, as with a glove, a man feels the universe. - Tomas Transtromer

Your goal should be just out of reach, but not out of sight. - Denis Waitley

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. - Richard Bach

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth. - George D. Prentice

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours. - Arthur Baer

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The real pros get up and go to work. - Harvey Mackay

The most important political office is that of the private citizen. - Louis D. Brandeis

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

Work and pray, live on hay, you'll get pie in the sky when you die. - Joe Hill

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives. - Viktor Frankl

My goal was to play in the NHL, because that is the best hockey in the world. - Jaromir Jagr

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. - Aristotle

Do something. If it doesn't work, do something else. No idea is too crazy. - Jim Hightower

The way to make a film is to begin with an earthquake and work up to a climax. - Cecil B. DeMille

One of my goals in life is to have the biggest residential pool on the planet. - Drake

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. - Jay Leno

If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson

I drink maple syrup. Then I'm hyper so I just run around like crazy and work it all off. - Rachel McAdams

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - Lawrence J Peter

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope

When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal. You do not change your decision to get there. - Zig Ziglar

If you start by promising what you don't even have yet, you'll lose your desire to work towards getting it. - Paulo Coelho

People who work crossword puzzles know that if they stop making progress, they should put the puzzle down for a while. - Marilyn vos Savant

It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it. - Eleanor Roosevelt

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! - Homer Simpson

Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke

Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. I have a strict rule: I don't work on Halloween and I won't travel on Halloween. - Simon Sinek

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

Good intentions aren't enough. People have good intentions when they set a goal to do something, but then they miss a deadline or other milestone. - Harvey Mackay

I'm always tinkering with something - suddenly I'll think I can work with wood, but then I'll realize I can't, so I go back to sewing. - Melissa McCarthy


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15-Dec-2019