Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
A goal is a dream with a deadline. - Napoleon Hill

The days you work are the best days. - Georgia O'Keeffe

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. - Oscar Wilde

Work hard, play hard, change the world. - Amazon.com Motto

Luck is when hard work meets opportunity. - David Foster

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another. - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross

Exhibit pride in your work and humility in your accomplishments. - Unknown

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar

Work before pleasure - for there is no real pleasure without work. - Unknown

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time. - Coco Chanel

No good work is ever done while the heart is hot and anxious and fretted. - Olive Schreiner

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. - Charles Lamb

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed. - Sid Caesar

Every time I fill a vacant office, I make ten malcontents and one ingrate. - Louis XIV

Communism is like prohibition - it's a good idea but it won't work. - Will Rogers

No one can give you your goals. No one can dig for you. This is your journey. - Warren P Gates

A goal casually set and lightly taken is freely abandoned at the first obstacle. - Zig Ziglar

I believe in moderation. I work on genealogy only on days that end in 'y'. - Richard Thiesen

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. - George Carlin

Just as there are no little people or unimportant lives, there is no insignificant work. - Elena Bonner

I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

I drink maple syrup. Then I'm hyper so I just run around like crazy and work it all off. - Rachel McAdams

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. - Zig Ziglar

Which is probably the reason why I work exclusively in black and white... to highlight that contrast. - Leonard Nimoy

Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it. - Jack Nichols

Teamwork makes the dream work, but a vision becomes a nightmare when the leader has a big dream and a bad team. - John C Maxwell

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway. - Wally Wang

Becoming a star may not be in your destiny, but being the best that you can be is a goal you can set for yourselves. - Bryan Lindsay

You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. - Hal Borland

The more is given the less the people will work for themselves, and the less they work the more their poverty will increase. - Leo Tolstoy

People who work in an environment where doing their best is recognized have a better chance of feeling good about their work. - Marilyn Suttle

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. - Lady Hasluck

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough - you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. - Richard Stallman

Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. - Pele


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31-Mar-2020