Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Nothing will work unless you do. - Maya Angelou

So much work, so few women to do it. - Unknown

Marathon runners set explicit goals. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Nothing you can't spell will ever work. - Will Rogers

If you want peace, you must work for justice. - Pope Paul VI

Have thy tools ready. God will find thee work. - Charles Kingsley

Irony regards every simple truth as a challenge. - Mason Cooley

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen

If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you. - Fred Devito

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office. - Thomas Jefferson

The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well. - William Osler

There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary. - Donald Kimball

To tend, unfailingly, unflinchingly, towards a goal, is the secret of success. - Anna Pavlova

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. - Albert Giacometti

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

The dreams I chased took me on a journey. A journey more rewarding than the goals. - Shahrukh Khan

No one has the right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do. - Dorothy Day

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

The goal was scored a little bit by the hand of God, another bit by the head of Maradona. - Diego Maradona

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. - R.E. Shay

Your success is your responsibility. Take the initiative, do the work, and persist to the end. - Lori Myers

They shared the chores of living as some couples do - she did most of the work and he appreciated it. - Paula Gosling

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars. - Henry van Dyke

Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad. - Fyodor Dostoevsky

It is our art that has an opportunity to leave a footprint in the sand. They don't wrap fish in our work. - Hugh N Jacobsen

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips

I used to ask God to help me. Then I asked if I might help Him. I ended up by asking Him to do his work through me. - J Hudson Taylor

Company cultures are like country cultures. Never try to change one. Try, instead, to work with what you've got. - Peter F Drucker

The companies that work are the ones that people really care about and have a vision for the world, so do something you like. - Mark Zuckerberg

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for our own improvement. - Marie Curie

It's said in Hollywood that you should always forgive your enemies because you never know when you'll have to work with them. - Lana Turner

If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough - you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. - Richard Stallman

Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success. - Diana Rankin

Time can be an ally or an enemy. What it becomes depends entirely upon you, your goals, and your determination to use every available minute. - Zig Ziglar

Without this playing with fantasy no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable. - Carl Jung


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18-Jan-2022