Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.

QuotaBills
Work is much more fun than fun. - Noel Coward

Marathon runners set explicit goals. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Irony regards every simple truth as a challenge. - Mason Cooley

Without great solitude no serious work is possible. - Pablo Picasso

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen

When the devil finds a lazy woman, he puts her to work. - Russian Proverb

Self-government won't work without self-discipline. - Paul Harvey

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you. - Fred Devito

Deliberation is the work of many men. Action, of one alone. - Charles de Gaulle

A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament. - Oscar Wilde

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love. - David McCullough

My goal was never to make Facebook cool. I am not a cool person. - Mark Zuckerberg

Love and work are to people, what water and sunshine are to plants. - Jonathan Haidt

In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you. - Leo Tolstoy

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office. - Will Rogers

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. - Earl Nightingale

Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will. - Unknown

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not. - Elias Root Beadle

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost

When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.' - Lao Tzu

No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor

I never looked at hockey as work. Now that I'd finished playing, I had to go to work. - Bobby Orr

Fears work into the mind like maggots in a corpse; they fester and boil and work to no good. - David C. Smith & Richard L. Tierney

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - Lawrence J Peter

Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted. - David Bly

No human being will work hard at anything unless they believe that they are working for competence. - William Glasser

If A is success in life, then A = X + Y + Z. Work is X, play is Y, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

We challenge one another to be funnier and smarter ... It's the way friends make love to one another. - Annie Gottlieb

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - Woody Allen

Your problem is to bridge the gap which exists between where you are now and the goal you intend to reach. - Earl Nightingale

What greater aspiration and challenge are there for a mother than the hope of raising a great son or daughter? - Rose Kennedy

To live only for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountains that sustain life, not the top. - Robert Pirsig

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

If you want to reach a goal, you must 'see the reaching' in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal. - Zig Ziglar

Whatever success I may have attained is due to the fact that since I was old enough to work at all, my ambition has never deserted me. - Anna Held

If it's green, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it has numbers, it's math. If it doesn't work, it's technology. - Unknown

see also Office & Work Sections

Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline

14-Jul-2020