Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde

Don't hope for success. Work for it. - Unknown

Every noble work is at first impossible. - Thomas Carlyle

All happiness depends on courage and work. - Honore de Balzac

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes. - Milton Berle

Ingenuity, plus courage, plus work, equals miracles. - Bob Richards

Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. - Sigmund Freud

Britain's goal is not to survive, but to prevail. - Winston Churchill

Self-government won't work without self-discipline. - Paul Harvey

A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art. - Paul Cezanne

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. - Steven Wright

No man will work for your interests unless they are his. - David Seabury

Great work is done by people who are not afraid to be great. - Fernando Flores

Fools take to themselves the respect that is given to their office. - Aesop

The most important political office is that of the private citizen. - Louis D. Brandeis

Work and pray, live on hay, you'll get pie in the sky when you die. - Joe Hill

The biggest challenge is how to affect public attitudes and make people care. - Jim Fowler

Committee work is like a soft chair - easy to get into but hard to get out of. - Kenneth J Shively

A goal casually set and lightly taken is freely abandoned at the first obstacle. - Zig Ziglar

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work. - William Shakespeare

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. - Jay Leno

The best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. - Theodore Roosevelt

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always find me and brings me back. - Joe-kster

Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. - Pamela Vaull Starr

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - Lawrence J Peter

When they start the game, they don't yell, 'Work ball.' They say, 'Play ball.' - Willie Stargell

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. - Zig Ziglar

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. - James Reston

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers. - Mark Twain

Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in hand. The Sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus. - Alexander Graham Bell

Can we be casual in the work of God—casual when the house is on fire, and people in danger of being burned? - Duncan Campbell

Teamwork makes the dream work, but a vision becomes a nightmare when the leader has a big dream and a bad team. - John C Maxwell

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway. - Wally Wang

No matter how talented you are, if you don't persist, the probability of achieving your goals is extremely small. - Camilla Dorand

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work. - Doug Larson

In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it. - Robert Heinlein

The essential element in personal magnetism is a consuming sincerity - an overwhelming faith in the importance of the work one has to do. - Bruce Barton

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. - Maya Angelou


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02-Jul-2022