“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will
answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be
crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don’t press any buttons - you’ll just mess it up.”
Nurse Ratched (aka “Big Nurse”) is a fictional character, and
the main antagonist of Ken Kesey’s 1962 novel
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
see also
Doctor & Medical Sections
Mental Hospital Answering Machine (2001 version)
 Seal Survival |  The Power Of Faith |  Jesus Was Here |  Palm Sunday Social Distancing Service |  Pine Trees Know When It's Easter |
 Beware Of Who Is Watching Over Your Church |  Handicap Ramp |  Kick Out Boxing |  Patience and Wisdom |  Submarine Racing |
 Dead Sea Burgers |  Sick Statue |  I Will Never Understand Fashion |  Courtesy Option |  Ab Enhancer |
 Family Planning Advice |  Cracks Me Up |  Anger Release Machine |  Closing Time |  Beach Breakfast |
05-Apr-2020 |