Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Anatomy is destiny. - Sigmund Freud
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
Leaders don't inflict pain; they share pain. - Max Depree
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
The wish for healing has always been half of health. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. - William Penn
You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it. - J K Rowling
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
God loves us too much to leave us alone to contend with the pain, guilt and loneliness of our present life. - Josh McDowell
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain. - C S Lewis
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? - Leslie Caron
The pain started years ago, but I'd lived with it for so long at that point that I'd accepted it as an inevitable part of me. - Ashley Wallis
Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
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