Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Pain should not be wasted. - Gerda W Klein
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else. - James Kirkup
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain; meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure. - G K Chesterton
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
The trouble with putting armor on is that, while it protects you from pain, it also protects you from pleasure. - Celeste Holm
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Pain is a sign that we are alive. Problems are a sign that we are strong. Prayer is a sign that we are not alone. - Unknown
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
The pain started years ago, but I'd lived with it for so long at that point that I'd accepted it as an inevitable part of me. - Ashley Wallis
Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal.
- Daffynitions joe-ks.com
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