Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. - William Penn
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
God loves us too much to leave us alone to contend with the pain, guilt and loneliness of our present life. - Josh McDowell
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain. - C S Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
So often the difference from where we are, and where God wants us to be, is the pain we aren't wiling to endure to get there. - Craig Groeschel
It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain. - Rick Baker
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
I pray for forgiveness. For help and guidance. To be a better person. For the health of my family. For the world to be a better place. - Tyson Fury
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
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