Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Pain should not be wasted. - Gerda W Klein
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
The pain passes, but the beauty remains. - Pierre-August Renoir
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom. - Arthur Schopenhauer
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette
I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
Perfect freedom is as necessary to the health and vigor of commerce as it is to the health and vigor of citizenship. - Patrick Henry
You can catch health, happiness, and success from others just as easily as you can catch worries, bitterness, and failure. - Dale Carnegie
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Where we always start is: What's the user's itch? What's their pain point that occurs frequently enough to build a habit around? - Nir Eyal
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
There are two ways you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, to work harder. - Taylor Swift
Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, hast thou more of pain or pleasure! Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee! - Joseph Addison
see also Medical Section
Bandage Art
Help For Dead Children
Magnetic Personality
Mandage
Mechanical Patient
Miss Beautiful Spine
Self-Propelled Rocket
Stool Fool
Worst Aid
 Long Winter |  2022 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars |  New 50 Pence Coin |  Truck Art |  Redneck Chair Repair |
 Bus Head Rest |  How Big Was It? |  Islanders |  Extra Weight |  Snowgazers |
 Happy Australia Day! |  Starting Your Fireplace On The Roof |  Snow Prayers |  Snowbaru |  Mirror Image |
 Hurricane Protection |  Spot the Thief |  Firm Egg |  Winter Chair |  Storage Puzzle |
26-Jan-2022 |