Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Logic is the anatomy of thought. - Albert Einstein
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Pain is temporary; quitting is forever. - Lance Armstrong
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Pain and suffering are God's megaphone. - C S Lewis
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter
The more you get past pain, the more it goes from coal to diamond. - Jodi Picoult
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
It is my custom to call this book 'An Anatomy of All the Parts of the Soul.' - John Calvin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I started out as a football player. I liked to inflict pain. In basketball, it was the same thing. - Shaquille O'Neal
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
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