Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom. - Arthur Schopenhauer
It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. - Chang Ch'ao
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. - Bette Davis
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal. - C S Lewis
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. - William Penn
You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it. - J K Rowling
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
You can catch health, happiness, and success from others just as easily as you can catch worries, bitterness, and failure. - Dale Carnegie
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
While some pain is probably inevitable in all relationships, successful couples are usually the ones who are able to forgive. - Ilona Boniwell
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
There are two ways you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, to work harder. - Taylor Swift
Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, hast thou more of pain or pleasure! Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee! - Joseph Addison
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