Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Pain is temporary; quitting is forever. - Lance Armstrong
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
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