Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
Through pain I've learned to comfort suffering men. - Virgil
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes. - Richard M Nixon
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy. - Spider Robinson
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live. - Kanye West
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
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