Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. - Bette Davis
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger. - Allen Klein
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
I started out as a football player. I liked to inflict pain. In basketball, it was the same thing. - Shaquille O'Neal
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine
They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Pain is a sign that we are alive. Problems are a sign that we are strong. Prayer is a sign that we are not alone. - Unknown
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Where we always start is: What's the user's itch? What's their pain point that occurs frequently enough to build a habit around? - Nir Eyal
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Help For Dead Children
Miss Beautiful Spine
Missing Piece Statue
Dog Tired After Work
How To Burn Fat
Canadian Car Crash
Redneck Christmas Tree Transport
Three Cats Ago
That's Not A Knife
Someone Is Upset
Turkey Popcorn Dressing
Redneck Outhouse Throne
I'll Be Right There
How Not To Prop Start Your Plane
When Not To Stop Too Fast