Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. - Kenji Miyazawa
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
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