Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Anatomy is destiny. - Sigmund Freud
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
Logic is the anatomy of thought. - Albert Einstein
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. - Kenji Miyazawa
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
I am not into working out. My philosophy: no pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea. - Walter Bagehot
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. - William Penn
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Pain is neither intolerable nor everlasting... it is in the power of the soul to maintain its own serenity. - Marcus Aurelius
God loves us too much to leave us alone to contend with the pain, guilt and loneliness of our present life. - Josh McDowell
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The trouble with putting armor on is that, while it protects you from pain, it also protects you from pleasure. - Celeste Holm
The more pain that's referenced or implied, the deeper the laugh can be because the laughter heals the pain. - Mimi Kennedy
You can catch health, happiness, and success from others just as easily as you can catch worries, bitterness, and failure. - Dale Carnegie
The pain started years ago, but I'd lived with it for so long at that point that I'd accepted it as an inevitable part of me. - Ashley Wallis
I pray for forgiveness. For help and guidance. To be a better person. For the health of my family. For the world to be a better place. - Tyson Fury
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