One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
A gun gives you the body, not the bird. - Henry David Thoreau
The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte
I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter
A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Marcus Tullius Cicero
Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. - Unknown
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca
Never ever lose your head. Its the best part of your body. - Art Rooney
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. - Kin Hubbard
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce
Food for the body is not enough. There must be food for the soul. - Dorothy Day
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette
NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. - Mitch Hedberg
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar
The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
Age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body. - Unknown
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
Diabetes occurs at twice the rate in the African American community as it does in white Americans. - Xavier Becerra
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine
An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone
If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise
Family, Medical & Shopping Sections
Costco Beach Towel
2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars
Plenty of Room for God's Creatures
Piano Door Bell
Trucks with 'Down' Syndrome
Tower of Pisa Restorer
What Did She Say?
All We Have To Do Is Stand Up
Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign
Snail On The Run
Wood Not Be Safe
Advice for the Cat