Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Flew: Plane sickness. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Jung

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. - Irish Proverb

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Aging wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. - Douglas MacArthur

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis

Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

Food for the body is not enough. There must be food for the soul. - Dorothy Day

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel

Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

Nurses dispense comfort, compassion, and caring without even a prescription. - Val Saintsbury

Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense. - Beau M

The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary. - Martin Luther

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

Even if you don't have time for a big workout, stretching in the morning and night really changes your body. - Erin Heatherton

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes

I'm going to make people happy. I'm going to make them forget about their cancer. I'm going to make them forget about their diabetes. - Dick Dale

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
Costco Beach Towel
Costco Whiskey
Costco Wine
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16-May-2022