Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli

I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott

A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E Leonard

Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts. - Tyler Oakley

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald

I am obsessed with Costco. I love the salmon and rotisserie chicken, the dog beds. - Kris Jenner

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat

When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - P.B. Medawar

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone. - Robert Frost

You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 18. I didn't know what it was, so I went to the library and looked it up. - Ron Santo

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The public needs to know - they need to know as much about atrial fibrillation as they do about cancer and diabetes. - Barry Manilow

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories. - John Gottschall

Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
Costco Beach Towel
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Costco Wine
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18-Jun-2021