Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. - Unknown

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. - Dorothy Parker

There is but one temple in the universe and that is the body of man. - Novalis

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

Stress exacerbates any problem, whether it's diabetes, heart trouble, MS, or whatever. - Mary Ann Mobley

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Diabetes occurs at twice the rate in the African American community as it does in white Americans. - Xavier Becerra

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

My physician has become warden of my medically imprisoned body, pharmaceuticals the bars on my cell. - Grey E. Livingston

If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

One of the greatest things about the sport of surfing is that you need only three things: your body, a surfboard, and a wave. - Naima Green

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

Getting wrapped up in worries is bad for your body and spirit. That's when you must short out your logic circuits and reboot your heart. - Pokemon

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Think while walking, walk while thinking, and let writing be but the light pause, as the body on a walk rests in contemplation of wide open spaces. - Frederic Gros


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
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15-Nov-2019