Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Flew: Plane sickness. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb

Deliver: An organ in de body - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous

Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

For a desperate disease, a desperate cure. - Latin Proverb

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. - Danny Zuker

My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When the problem is worry, the prescription is prayer. - David Jeremiah

I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. - Scott Adams

One day my mortal body will turn to dust, but the Turkish Republic will stand forever. - Mustafa Kemel Ataturk

Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the power of the mind. - Marcel Proust

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. - Flip Wilson

Many people find themselves with illness as they become successful: higher blood pressure and diabetes. - Zong Qinghou

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. - Bible

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
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19-Oct-2021