Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

A gun gives you the body, not the bird. - Henry David Thoreau

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. - Unknown

Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca

Never ever lose your head. Its the best part of your body. - Art Rooney

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. - Kin Hubbard

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce

Food for the body is not enough. There must be food for the soul. - Dorothy Day

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette

NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. - Mitch Hedberg

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald

Age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body. - Unknown

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

Diabetes occurs at twice the rate in the African American community as it does in white Americans. - Xavier Becerra

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
Costco Beach Towel
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18-Jan-2021