One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present
Flew: Plane sickness. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb
Deliver: An organ in de body - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
For a desperate disease, a desperate cure. - Latin Proverb
The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. - Danny Zuker
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
When the problem is worry, the prescription is prayer. - David Jeremiah
I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan
If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen
The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. - Scott Adams
One day my mortal body will turn to dust, but the Turkish Republic will stand forever. - Mustafa Kemel Ataturk
Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the power of the mind. - Marcel Proust
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller
Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. - Flip Wilson
Many people find themselves with illness as they become successful: higher blood pressure and diabetes. - Zong Qinghou
My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. - Bible
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal.
- Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain
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