Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics
The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the
government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a
used car salesman. A flock of peace doves will then be released to celebrate
Canada”s freedoms. The doves will be available in local ethnic dining
establishments shortly after the ceremony.
Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking. The SUVs will then
be stolen. This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating
the diversity of Canada”s culture. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the
A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French. This event
will be lavishly funded by the federal government and will receive extensive
coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7 attendees.
Biathlon Venue: Gastown
Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible within the
Fencing Venue: Surrey
Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more individuals,
each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe.
Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs.
100m Hurdles Venue:
Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and
a 32" television. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as
they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors
were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.
Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown
Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegeeing,
Beer Bottle Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building. All
events under the influence of crystal methamphetamine, heroin or crack cocaine.
Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano
Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their physical
appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will be
added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany dishes
consisting of organic pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged goat cheese
and raw seaweed.
Freestyle Gymnastics Venue: Kingsway at Joyce St.,
Burnaby (2 A.M.)
Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of a Honda Civic. The
competitor who earns the most wins.
Bobsled Venue: None
Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government has
deemed bobsleds to be vehicles and none of the competitors were able to afford
the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums.
Ice Hockey Venue: Mastercard Place (note new location – Mastercard outbid GMC
for rights to building name)
Description: You live in Canada, and you have to ask what hockey is, eh?
Applicants now being accepted for Women’s teams only (men’s teams – and the
Vancouver Canucks - need not apply).
Speed Walking Venue:
Description: Preference given to Chinese competitors who can follow strict new
rules to “Wok, not run.”
Luge Venue: Victoria
Description: This event is planned to draw the largest group of politicians ever
gathered at an Olympic event. They will compete in a sport consistent with their
Synchronized Cow Chip Throwing Venue:
Description: This event “Mooved” to the Fraser Valley - don”t worry, they”ve
almost got the
Mad Cows under control there now...
Closing Ceremony: Mastercard Place
Travel Plans: If attempting to drive to the Closing Ceremony from anywhere
within one block of Mastercard Place, plan on leaving 5 hours early.
The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces
SeaKing helicopter fleet (please stay well clear of the aircraft”s flight path), and an
appearance by Canada’s submarine fleet (if they can release it from the West
Edmonton Mall). In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will
feature the athletes being evicted from the Athlete”s Village, followed by an
illegal squat in Stanley Park. The ceremony will then conclude with a gay Mardi
Gras parade down Davie St.
Taco Bell Secret Seasoning
What Goes Round Comes Round
Scary Ice Cream
Ruling On Criticism
Cup of Mona Lisa
Olympic Moon Rings
BTTF II Car
Lunch Break on a Hot Day
Wait For My Human
China Road Load
Burger King Street
Taking The Bait