Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Mamogram: A telegram to Mom - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Diligence is the mother of good fortune. - Benjamin Disraeli Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate. - Unknown The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. - Beverly Jones I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids. - Unknown The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson My nickname is 'Mom', but my full name is 'Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.' - Unknown Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won't trust him to wash the dishes - Daffynitions joe-ks.com By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong. - Unknown It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. - Erma Bombeck When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce. - Woody Allen When I moved out of my mom's house at 18 I was almost as sad to leave her sewing machine behind as anything else. - Beth Ditto My mother reads the obituary page every day, but she could never understand how people always die in alphabetical order. - Frank Carson My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow Over the years, I learned so much from mom. She taught me about the importance of home and history and family and tradition. - Martha Stewart One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? 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03-Aug-2021