Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Necessity is the mother of attraction. - Luke McKissack A mother's love endures through all. - Washington Irving Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne A child's first teacher is its mother. - Peng Liyuan Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate. - Unknown Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early - Daffynitions joe-ks.com To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen If I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as a friend. - Unknown A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend. - Unknown Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother's vacation. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez God pardons like a mother who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness. - Henry Ward Beecher Antifreeze: What happens to your mother's sister when you steal her blanket - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mom taught me. - Lady Gaga I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I'm a mom. - Unknown Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams The choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is. - Oprah Winfrey My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. - Leo Rosten see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? Looking Small Mother’s Day Gift - Not Real Man’s Point System Romance Lost Understanding Women   Custer's Last Stand? Hand Held Tourist Curly Heels Bottle Sneakret Removed Posts Second Hand Work Ostrich Fill Up Calory Bomb Interuption Charge Reach For Your Dreams Perception Jeopardy Measuring Cup All We Have To Do Is Stand Up Vacuum Extender BrownEes Chinese Puzzle Car Always Give 100% At Work Ancient Politician My Toaster Is Broken Shining Stars

29-Jun-2022