Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman Necessity is the mother of attraction. - Luke McKissack Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne The phrase working mother is redundant. - Jane Sellman Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother. - Ted Walsh All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. - Abraham Lincoln I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. - Princess Diana Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother. - Maya Angelou I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield No one else, ever, will think you're great the way your mother does. - Mary Matalin My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle. - Phyllis Diller My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it nothing great was ever achieved. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother. - Claudette Colbert My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield Said the daughter: "I don't have to help my Mom with the housework. She knows how." - Unknown Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? 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25-Feb-2020