Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mamogram: A telegram to Mom - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all. - Unknown
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
I got to grow up with a mother who taught me to believe in me. - Antonio Villaraigosa
To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields
My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman
I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I'm a mom. - Unknown
My mom was fair. You never knew whether she was going to swing with her right or her left. - Herb Caen
My perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger. - Howie Mandel
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
Once you're a mom, you're always a mom. It's like riding a bike, you never forget. - Taraji P Henson
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. - Abraham Lincoln
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce. - Woody Allen
A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know that he sees it. - W D Howells
What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. - Nora Ephron
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase
In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
Over the years, I learned so much from mom. She taught me about the importance of home and history and family and tradition. - Martha Stewart
If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain
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