Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Bagdad: What mother did when she met father - Daffynitions joe-ks.com A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap. - Danish Proverb A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare Life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a mother. - Unknown Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother. - Maya Angelou If I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as a friend. - Unknown A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton Be kind to your mother-in-law but pay for her board at some good hotel. - Josh Billings My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker My mom told me a long time ago, 'Never get in a fight with a lady.' - Oliver North A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. - Victor Hugo My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams When a man who is drinking neat gin starts talking about his mother he is past all argument. - C.S. Forester My mom always said, "Don't say if I make it", say, "When I make it!" - Mariah Carey Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle Modern Pioneer: The mother who manages to get through a rainy Saturday with the T.V. not working - Daffynitions joe-ks.com A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad's payroll - and on to his wife's - Daffynitions joe-ks.com I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother. - Martin Sheen My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates My mother reads the obituary page every day, but she could never understand how people always die in alphabetical order. - Frank Carson After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized that to many people he is not a sex symbol, but a mother image. - David Bowie With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? Looking Small Mother’s Day Gift - Not Real Man’s Point System Romance Lost Understanding Women   Bag Hang-Up Dog Spa Pacman Skeleton Young Rock Star Shoplifter Warning Eavestrough Cat Bobbie Tickle Exhausting or Amewzing? World's First Hard Hat Cup on the Edge British Gas Meter Hot Summer Days Senior Protesters Microsoft Software Upgrade Mow Your Lawn Drinking Alone being Fearless Bible Bar A Good Woman Tunnel Face

13-Jul-2020