Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Necessity is the mother of attraction. - Luke McKissack
A mother's love endures through all. - Washington Irving
Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne
A child's first teacher is its mother. - Peng Liyuan
Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb
My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate. - Unknown
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries
Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict
My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
If I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as a friend. - Unknown
A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend. - Unknown
Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman
Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother's vacation. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson
When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez
God pardons like a mother who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness. - Henry Ward Beecher
Antifreeze: What happens to your mother's sister when you steal her blanket - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mom taught me. - Lady Gaga
I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I'm a mom. - Unknown
Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
The choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is. - Oprah Winfrey
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren
Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. - Leo Rosten
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Custer's Last Stand?
Hand Held Tourist
Second Hand Work
Ostrich Fill Up
Reach For Your Dreams
Jeopardy Measuring Cup
All We Have To Do Is Stand Up
Chinese Puzzle Car
Always Give 100% At Work
My Toaster Is Broken