Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mamogram: A telegram to Mom - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Fearlessness is the mother of reinvention. - Arianna Huffington
Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain
You trust your mother, but you cut the cards. - Unknown
A mother understands what a child does not say. - Jewish Proverb
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all. - Unknown
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
Obedience is the mother of success and is wedded to safety. - Aeschylus
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield
A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend. - Unknown
New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. - Beverly Jones
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
My mother is no spring chicken although she has got as many chemicals in her as one. - Edna Everage
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I'm a mom. - Unknown
You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. - Robert Frost
Once you're a mom, you're always a mom. It's like riding a bike, you never forget. - Taraji P Henson
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers
The older I grow, the more I realize that my mother is the best 'best friend' that I ever had. - Unknown
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman
My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." - Betty White
What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. - Nora Ephron
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
My Mother: She is beautiful, softened at the edges and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her. - Jodi Picoult
In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Venice on a Shoestring Budget
New Truck Key
Knife Throwing Act
Another Day In Traffic
Pardon My French
Mother Wrench's Gripping Story
Scuba Diving Sucks
Louisiana Turtle Dogs