Noah's 2021 Ark

In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”

QuotaBills

Hell is separation from God. - Billy Graham

God sends meat - the Devil sends cooks. - Charles VI

Every religion at its core is exclusive. - Ravi Zacharias

Faith which does not doubt is dead faith. - Miguel de Unamuno

Ultimately, blind faith is the only kind. - Mason Cooley

You go to heaven. God sneezes. What do you say? - Peter Houppermans

Noah was a conspiracy theorist until it rained. - Vladimir Zelenko

I do not believe in God and I am not an atheist. - Albert Camus

May your life preach more loudly than your lips. - William E Channing

God's mercy is his ministry to the miserable. - Chuck Swindoll

Some Catlick priest sprinkling incest over everyone. - Archie Bunker

If God is the author of life, there must be a script. - Ravi Zacharias

Enthusiasm is a kind of faith that has been set afire. - George Matthew Adams

The heart that is generous and kind most resembles God. - Robert Burns

God depends on us. It is through us that God is achieved. - Andre Gide

It is not well for a man to pray cream and live skim milk. - Henry Ward Beecher

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. - Mohandas Gandhi

Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. - John Piper

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

God never sent hunger without sending something to satisfy it. - Ireland Proverb

The things which are impossible with men are possible with God. - Luke 18:27

Where hope would otherwise become hopelessness, it becomes faith. - Robert Brault

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing. - Albert Laighton

God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble. - Bible

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams

Pray that success will not come any faster than you are able to endure it. - Elbert Hubbard

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. - Jon Stewart

Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs. - Susie F

God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road. - Unknown

In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. - Warren Eckstein

I won't give up, no matter what happens. I thank God for my unconquerable soul. - William Henley

I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed. - Vincent Van Gogh

Thank God I've got eyebrows like bacon, because I've always got egg on my face. - Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter. - Ansel Adams

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it. - Josh Billings

Faith has to do with things that are not seen, and hope with things that are not at hand. - Thomas Aquinas

The essential feature, and necessity of life is to know reality, which means knowing God. - Malcolm Muggeridge

When you carry the cross of Jesus, you will find that the cross will wind up carrying you. - Unknown

I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows. - Susan B Anthony

When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance. - Joel Osteen

Music is an agreeable harmony for the honor of God and the permissible delights of the soul. - Johann Sebastian Bach

The value of persistent prayer is not that he will hear us, but that we will finally hear him. - William McGill

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived. - George S Patton

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor. - Helen Rowland

Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. - Billy Sunday

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. - Robin Williams

The character of our praying will determine the character of our preaching. Light praying makes light preaching. - E.M. Bounds

The past is a source of knowledge, and the future is a source of hope. Love of the past implies faith in the future. - Stephen Ambrose

God is great not just because nothing is too big for Him. God is great because nothing is too small for Him, either. - Mark Batterson

Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently, He thought it worth the risk. - C S Lewis

Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it. - Abraham Lincoln

When faith replaces doubt, when selfless service eliminates selfish striving, the power of God brings to pass His purposes. - Thomas S Monson

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it. - Voltaire

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith. - Franklin D Roosevelt

Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself. - William R Inge

The love of God shows us that God alone bridges the distance between him and us, enabling us to see this world through Calvary. - Ravi Zacharias

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

I am quite sure now that often in matters concerning religion and politics, a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkeys. - Mark Twain

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired. - Martin Luther

Prayer and the Bible became a part of my everyday thoughts and beliefs. I learned to put my trust in God and to seek Him as my strength. - Rosa Parks

I you can make any leading religion of the world look like complete nonsense, you can be sure of only one thing: you haven't understood it. - Wilfred Cantwell Smith

Noah's 2021 Ark

Updating life's building codes

19-Jan-2022