Noah's 2021 Ark

Updating life's building codes


In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”


QuotaBills
Man is a god in ruins. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faith is trust in ultimate meaning. - Viktor Frankl

Religion is the opiate of the masses. - Karl Marx

Prayer is a long rope with a strong hold. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

I think God has a tremendous sense of humor. - Rainn Wilson

Trust in God, but tether your camel at night. - Jack Ryan

We steal if we touch tomorrow. It is God's. - Henry Ward Beecher

I should not believe in a God who does not dance. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Chocolate: God's apology to women for periods. - Unknown

What you do in secret is on Public Display before God. - Jim Hughes

The heart that is generous and kind most resembles God. - Robert Burns

Forgiveness is like faith. You have to keep reviving it. - Mason Cooley

The Bible tells us to forgive our enemies, not our friends. - Margot Asquith

A sermon is no sermon in which I cannot hear the heartbeat. - Henry Longfellow

More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. - Alfred Tennyson

For the man who prays in his heart, the whole world is a church. - Sylvain of Athos

The Son of God became a man to enable men to become sons of God. - C S Lewis

God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him. - Jim Elliot

Corruption is nature's way of restoring our faith in democracy. - Sir Peter Ustinov

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.' - Kinky Friedman

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. - Genesis 1:31

Give me a couple of pages of the Bible, and I'll give you a picture. - Cecil B. DeMille

Whatever happens, abide steadfast in a determination to cling simply to God. - Francis de Sales

There is no greater discovery than seeing God as the author of your destiny. - Ravi Zacharias

You cannot build God's reputation if you aren't willing to risk yours. - Mark Batterson

Let evil swiftly befall those who have wrongly condemned us - God will avenge us. - Jacques de Molay

I won't give up, no matter what happens. I thank God for my unconquerable soul. - William Henley

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu

The first time I sang in the Church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen

God gave us the gift of lie; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. - Voltaire

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards. - Mark Twain

Praise is the weapon God gives you to leverage the negative circumstances of your life. - David Evans

The greatest dream of all is to know God and to know what he has intended for your life. - Ravi Zacharias

Only priests and fools are fearless and I've never been on the best of terms with God. - Patrick Rothfuss

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. - Mark Twain

You must live with people to know their problems, and live with God in order to solve them. - P.T. Forsyth

Easter is a time when God turned the inevitability of death into the invincibility of life. - Craig D Loundsbrough

Music is an agreeable harmony for the honor of God and the permissible delights of the soul. - Johann Sebastian Bach

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every setback is a setup for a comeback. God wants to bring you out better than you were before. - Joel Osteen

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. - Kingsley Amis

It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence. - C S Lewis

The resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless. - Joseph B Wirthlin

If I were ever prosecuted for my religion, I truly hope there would be enough evidence to convict me. - John Wooden

As Man alone, Jesus could not have saved us; As God alone, He would not; Made flesh, He could and did. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right. - Max Lucado

When I make a vow to God, then I would suggest to you that's even stronger than a handshake in Texas. - Rick Perry

If you really believe in the message you're preaching, you want as many people as possible to listen. - Mark Batterson

I've always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs. - Katya Zamolodchikova

God loves us too much to leave us alone to contend with the pain, guilt and loneliness of our present life. - Josh McDowell

Mosquito: 1. A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies; 2. The state bird of New Jersey. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Since I got to 80, I've started reading the Bible a lot more. It's kind of like cramming for my finals. - Vincent Watson

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are the same people. - G K Chesterton

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

Giving is more than a responsibility - it is a privilege; more than an act of obedience - it is evidence of our faith. - William A Ward

If you would do the best with your life, find out what God is doing in your generation and throw yourself wholly into it. - Arthur Wallis

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him. - Abraham Lincoln

We study the glory of God, and the honour and liberty of parliament, for which we fight, without seeking our own interests. - Oliver Cromwell

We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies, but he hopes he'll never have to use it. - C S Lewis

Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion. - Unknown

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired. - Martin Luther

Man has made 32 million laws since the Commandments were handed down to Moses on Mount Sinai... but he has never improved on God's law. - Cecil B. DeMille

God is dead: but considering the state the species Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

It is a matter of whether one wants to get rich or be rich. We can be rich in Christ Jesus or perhaps get rich in Egypt, but we cannot do both. - Vance Havner

For you will certainly carry out God's purpose, however you act, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John. - C S Lewis


see also   Religious  Section
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Limit Of Two
Noah Called
Noah's Holey Ark
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03-Jul-2022