Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

College is a refuge from hasty judgment. - Robert Frost

The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

The writer is the engineer of the human soul. - Joseph Stalin

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other. - Edmund Burke

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

Your best self shows up only when you are put to an impossible test. - Unknown

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

I don't want to send them to jail. I want to send them to school. - Adlai Stevenson

I will study and prepare myself… and someday my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

To acquire knowledge one must study. To acquire wisdom one must observe. - Marilyn Vos Savant

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

Descartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. - Oliver Holmes

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon S Law

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

Not every puzzle is intended to be solved. Some are in place to test your limits. Others are, in fact, not puzzles at all. - Vera Nazarian

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

The Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower. They're monumental. They're straight out of Page 52 in your school history book. - Billy Crystal

That is the exploration that awaits you! Not mapping stars and studying nebula, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence. - Leonard Nimoy

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

You need the kind of objectivity that makes you forget everything you've heard, clear the table, and do a factual study like a scientist would. - Steve Wozniak

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughan

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. - Garry Trudeau

As an adult and a parent, when I'm not acting, I'm not acting. I'm being a parent, and I'm on the school run, and I'm sewing labels onto socks. - Kate Winslet

The best narrative is one of infinite love. A spiritual affair - one not of the material world. Intermingled, with no beginning nor end - it will always stand the test of time. - Terry A. O'Neal

For one human being to love another - that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks: the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. - Rainer M Riike

I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him. - Donald Trump


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06-Apr-2020