Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
Engineering with fabric. - Jean Muir

Adversity tests a man's true character. - Unknown

The writer is the engineer of the human soul. - Joseph Stalin

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain

You can lead a boy to college but you cannot make him think. - Elbert Hubbard

A college education shows a man how little other people know. - T.C. Hailburton

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

Your best self shows up only when you are put to an impossible test. - Unknown

I will study and prepare myself… and someday my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

To acquire knowledge one must study. To acquire wisdom one must observe. - Marilyn Vos Savant

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy. - Unknown

One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised. - Chinua Achebe

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now. - Groucho Marx

We look harder for flaws in a study when we don't agree with its conclusions. - Sharon Begley

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

One of the truest tests of spiritual maturity is seeing the miraculous in the monotonous. - Mark Batterson

The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man. - Cicero

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

He who devotes 16 hours a day to hard study may become as wise at 60 as he thought himself at 20. - Mary Wilson Little

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. - Unknown

It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test. - Elbert Hubbard

One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow

Here is a test to find out whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach

You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump

If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves. - Unknown

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

We study the glory of God, and the honour and liberty of parliament, for which we fight, without seeking our own interests. - Oliver Cromwell

The Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower. They're monumental. They're straight out of Page 52 in your school history book. - Billy Crystal

This, then, is the test we must set for ourselves; not to march alone but to march in such a way that others will wish to join us. - Hubert H. Humphrey

If you study a subject every day, for one hour a day, for five days a week - in five years you will become an expert in that area. - Earl Nightingale

When I finished school, I took one of those career-aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. - Pele

To resist the frigidity of old age, one must combine the body, the mind, and the heart. And to keep these in parallel vigor one must exercise, study, and love. - Alan Bleasdale

After I won the Oscar, my salary doubled, my friends tripled, my children became more popular at school, my butcher made a pass at me, and my maid hit me up for a raise. - Shirley Jones

If you want to surf, move to Hawaii. If you like to shop, move to New York. If you like acting and Hollywood, move to California. But if you like college football, move to Texas. - Ricky Williams

A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason, and a study of the art of motorcycle maintenance is really a miniature study of the art of rationality itself. - Robert M. Pirsig

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. - Muhammad Ali


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26-Nov-2020