Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

Electoral College: Institute of higher yearning - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My life feels like a test I didn't study for. - Unknown

Academy: A modern school where football is taught - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

The tests of life are not meant to break you but make you. - Norman Vincent Peale

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain

Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

Your best self shows up only when you are put to an impossible test. - Unknown

Test yourself with the impossible, and you will know your capability. - Unknown

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

When I was in high school, I earned the pimple award and every other gross-out award. - Jack Nicholson

One of the truest tests of spiritual maturity is seeing the miraculous in the monotonous. - Mark Batterson

The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man. - Cicero

College Professor: A man who gets what's left over after the football coach is paid off - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

I must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. - John Adams

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

You learn how to be book smart in school, but you better not forget that you also need to be street smart. - Harvey Mackay

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - George Burns

I will only hire someone to work directly for me if I would work for that person. It's a pretty good test. - Mark Zuckerberg

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

NASA scientists have been studying giraffe skin so they can apply what they learn from it to the construction of spacesuits. - Joanna Lumley

In the real world, the smartest people are people who make mistakes and learn. In school, the smartest people don't make mistakes. - Robert T Kiyosaki

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

Hypothesis: 1. First thing a Redneck teenager says to his father on the phone; 2. Hippo, horse; thesis, placing: putting something on a horse. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Unknown

Mushroom: 1. A motel for quickies; 2. The place where they store the school food; 3. A room that has no sides, no walls, no doors and no ceilings. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughan

After I won the Oscar, my salary doubled, my friends tripled, my children became more popular at school, my butcher made a pass at me, and my maid hit me up for a raise. - Shirley Jones

I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him. - Donald Trump


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18-May-2022