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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?", New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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