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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?", New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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