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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle "Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?", New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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