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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast Paddy O Furniture: Irish lawn chairs - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie "Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?", New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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