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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?", New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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