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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown You think the Welsh are friendly, but the Irish are fabulous. - Bonnie Tyler I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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