“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Bubba.”
I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West
What is to give light must endure burning. - Viktor Frankl
Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid
Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle. - Goldie Hawn
Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. - Steve Rubenstein
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. - Xenocrates
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H L Mencken
You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man. - Kathleen Turner
I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
Every time you have to speak, you are auditioning for leadership. - James Humes
If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. - Chinese Proverb
If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day. - Molly Ivins
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark. - Rabindranath Tagore
Stay the course, light a star, change the world where'er you are. - Richard Le Gallienne
What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant? - Jane Austen
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. - Harvey D. Comstock
Intelligence is not to make no mistakes, but to see quickly how to make them good. - Bertolt Brecht
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter. - Francoise Sagan
Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. - Marshall Lumsden
Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono
If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place. - George Savile
The ability to focus attention on important things is a defining characteristic of intelligence. - Robert J. Shiller
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. - Liz Armbruster
The art of art, the glory of expression, and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity. - Walt Whitman
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. - Winston Churchill
I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university. - Albert Einstein
The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Calvin
Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. - Mary Catherwood
Remembering that each of us will take our turns in darkness and in light, let us be light for one another when the darkness falls. - Unknown
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
No matter how bad things are, they can always be worse. So what if my stroke left me with a speech impediment? Moses had one, and he did all right. - Kirk Douglas
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. - Spike Milligan
What is to give light must endure burning. - Viktor Frankl
Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid
Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle. - Goldie Hawn
Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. - Steve Rubenstein
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. - Xenocrates
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H L Mencken
You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man. - Kathleen Turner
I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
Every time you have to speak, you are auditioning for leadership. - James Humes
If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. - Chinese Proverb
If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day. - Molly Ivins
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark. - Rabindranath Tagore
Stay the course, light a star, change the world where'er you are. - Richard Le Gallienne
What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant? - Jane Austen
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. - Harvey D. Comstock
Intelligence is not to make no mistakes, but to see quickly how to make them good. - Bertolt Brecht
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter. - Francoise Sagan
Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. - Marshall Lumsden
Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono
If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place. - George Savile
The ability to focus attention on important things is a defining characteristic of intelligence. - Robert J. Shiller
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. - Liz Armbruster
The art of art, the glory of expression, and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity. - Walt Whitman
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. - Winston Churchill
I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university. - Albert Einstein
The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Calvin
Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. - Mary Catherwood
Remembering that each of us will take our turns in darkness and in light, let us be light for one another when the darkness falls. - Unknown
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
No matter how bad things are, they can always be worse. So what if my stroke left me with a speech impediment? Moses had one, and he did all right. - Kirk Douglas
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. - Spike Milligan
see also Redneck Section
Bright People
Conservative Plant
Cow Return
Cowcycle
First Shipment
Ottawa White Smoke
Pipe Talk
Puntastic
Seattle After Pot Was Legalized
Stay Off The Grass
Tearable Puns
Tridgeridoo
 Desert Road Bumps |  Subway Swing |  Fish Eye Lens |  Horse Mask |  Chocolate Filling |
 Mea Culpa Road |  Pool Painters |  Cocoon Stage |  Eye For Coffee |  Like No Udder |
 Egyptian Pyramid Scheme |  Hammock Kayak |  CARnivore |  Alligator Hallucinogens |  Step Lover |
09-Apr-2020 |