“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Bubba.”
Glass: Chinese marijuana - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon. - Steven Brust
A proverb is much light condensed in one flash. - Simmons
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H L Mencken
I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence. - Enrico Fermi
You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man. - Kathleen Turner
Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen. - Unknown
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict
Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then; life is dull without it. - Pearl S. Buck
It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. - Stephen Hawking
I only sound intelligent when there's a good scriptwriter around. - Christian Bale
If you're a good numbers person, you're a bad language person. - Frank Luntz
Laughter is, after speech, the chief thing that holds society together. - Max Eastman
The least I can do is speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves. - Jane Goodall
It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand. - Apache Proverb
Better to let them wonder why you didn't speak than to wonder why you did. - Amish Saying
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
Intelligence is not to make no mistakes, but to see quickly how to make them good. - Bertolt Brecht
Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. - Anton Chekhov
It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. - Albert Einstein
Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones
I have discovered the art of fooling diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me. - Camillo Di Cavour
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
Though everyone has an equal right to speak, not all have earned an equal right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er wrought heart and bids it break. - William Shakespeare
The path to cheerfulness is to sit cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. - William James
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. - Oliver Wendell Homes, Jr.
What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop
To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of the hearer as well as those of the speaker. - Frederick Douglass
The character of our praying will determine the character of our preaching. Light praying makes light preaching. - E.M. Bounds
Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion. - Unknown
You don't have to say everything to be a light. Sometimes a fire built on a hill will bring interested people to your campfire. - Shannon L. Alder
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell
Distinguished ancestors shed a powerful light on their descendants, and forbid the concealment either of their merits or of their demerits. - Gaius S. Crispus
If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise
Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon. - Steven Brust
A proverb is much light condensed in one flash. - Simmons
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H L Mencken
I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence. - Enrico Fermi
You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man. - Kathleen Turner
Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen. - Unknown
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict
Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then; life is dull without it. - Pearl S. Buck
It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. - Stephen Hawking
I only sound intelligent when there's a good scriptwriter around. - Christian Bale
If you're a good numbers person, you're a bad language person. - Frank Luntz
Laughter is, after speech, the chief thing that holds society together. - Max Eastman
The least I can do is speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves. - Jane Goodall
It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand. - Apache Proverb
Better to let them wonder why you didn't speak than to wonder why you did. - Amish Saying
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
Intelligence is not to make no mistakes, but to see quickly how to make them good. - Bertolt Brecht
Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. - Anton Chekhov
It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. - Albert Einstein
Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones
I have discovered the art of fooling diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me. - Camillo Di Cavour
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
Though everyone has an equal right to speak, not all have earned an equal right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er wrought heart and bids it break. - William Shakespeare
The path to cheerfulness is to sit cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. - William James
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. - Oliver Wendell Homes, Jr.
What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop
To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of the hearer as well as those of the speaker. - Frederick Douglass
The character of our praying will determine the character of our preaching. Light praying makes light preaching. - E.M. Bounds
Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion. - Unknown
You don't have to say everything to be a light. Sometimes a fire built on a hill will bring interested people to your campfire. - Shannon L. Alder
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell
Distinguished ancestors shed a powerful light on their descendants, and forbid the concealment either of their merits or of their demerits. - Gaius S. Crispus
If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise
see also Redneck Section
Bright People
Conservative Plant
Cow Return
Cowcycle
First Shipment
Ottawa White Smoke
Pipe Talk
Puntastic
Seattle After Pot Was Legalized
Stay Off The Grass
Tearable Puns
Tridgeridoo
 Winter Sucks |  Chainsaw Art |  2022 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars |  Spot the Hidden Cell Tower |  How Cumulus Clouds Are Formed |
 Snow Is Coming |  Spot The Clock |  Gay Football |  Icy Grip Of Winter |  Find The Dogs |
 Fractal Pattern River |  Canadian Whiskey |  COLD Fairbanks |  Snow Wall |  Manitoba Kickstand |
22-Jan-2022 |