“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Bubba.”
Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle. - Goldie Hawn
A proverb is much light condensed in one flash. - Simmons
You don't have to be perfect to be brilliant. - Mark Eyre
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley
I'd rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph. - Ken Kesey
I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence. - Enrico Fermi
First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak. - Epictetus
Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson
If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day. - Molly Ivins
Mexican marijuana, which he called the schoolboy's consolation. - James Purdy
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Unknown
Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold. - Joseph C. Pearce
Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. - Victoria Wood
We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own. - Unknown
Truth is like heat or light; its vibrations are endless, and are endlessly felt. - Margaret Deland
The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. - Harvey D. Comstock
Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. - Anton Chekhov
There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. - James Thurber
For those who seek it, there is inexhaustible evidence of an all-pervading intelligence. - Richard E Byrd
Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind. - Emily P. Bissell
The same hot lightning that burns your blood with passion–– cools your fears with peace. - Aberjhani
Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in…it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe
Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
Fathers are like a lighthouse - when there is fog his children can always depend on seeing the light. - Unknown
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein
It makes you wonder. All the brilliant things we might have done with our lives if only we suspected we knew how. - Ann Patchett
No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country - oughta be de-exported the hell outta here! - Archie Bunker
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in. - Alan Alda
Mere colour, unspoiled by meaning, and unallied with definite form, can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways. - Oscar Wilde
A formal manipulator in mathematics often experiences the discomforting feeling that his pencil surpasses him in intelligence. - Howard Eves
We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought. - Bertrand Russell
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell
Fantasy has a dark side to it. It also has a light hemisphere - the power of the human imagination to keep going, to imagine a better tomorrow. - Tim O'Brien
To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest. - Joe-kster
A proverb is much light condensed in one flash. - Simmons
You don't have to be perfect to be brilliant. - Mark Eyre
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley
I'd rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph. - Ken Kesey
I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence. - Enrico Fermi
First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak. - Epictetus
Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson
If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day. - Molly Ivins
Mexican marijuana, which he called the schoolboy's consolation. - James Purdy
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Unknown
Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold. - Joseph C. Pearce
Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. - Victoria Wood
We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own. - Unknown
Truth is like heat or light; its vibrations are endless, and are endlessly felt. - Margaret Deland
The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. - Harvey D. Comstock
Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. - Anton Chekhov
There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. - James Thurber
For those who seek it, there is inexhaustible evidence of an all-pervading intelligence. - Richard E Byrd
Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind. - Emily P. Bissell
The same hot lightning that burns your blood with passion–– cools your fears with peace. - Aberjhani
Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in…it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe
Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
Fathers are like a lighthouse - when there is fog his children can always depend on seeing the light. - Unknown
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein
It makes you wonder. All the brilliant things we might have done with our lives if only we suspected we knew how. - Ann Patchett
No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country - oughta be de-exported the hell outta here! - Archie Bunker
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in. - Alan Alda
Mere colour, unspoiled by meaning, and unallied with definite form, can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways. - Oscar Wilde
A formal manipulator in mathematics often experiences the discomforting feeling that his pencil surpasses him in intelligence. - Howard Eves
We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought. - Bertrand Russell
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell
Fantasy has a dark side to it. It also has a light hemisphere - the power of the human imagination to keep going, to imagine a better tomorrow. - Tim O'Brien
To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest. - Joe-kster
see also Redneck Section
Bright People
Conservative Plant
Cow Return
Cowcycle
First Shipment
Ottawa White Smoke
Pipe Talk
Puntastic
Seattle After Pot Was Legalized
Stay Off The Grass
Tearable Puns
Tridgeridoo
 International Truck Bed |  Strong Man |  Snowbound Train |  Not Without A Washer |  Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns |
 Washing Machine Cat |  Ruined Bacon |  Kellogg's Fire |  Tip Discount |  Staff Meeting |
 Prince Bag |  Ice Cream Clouds |  Sun Dial Fail |  Rolling Stop |  Ghetto Hammock |
24-Jan-2020 |