“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Bubba.”
Use your enemy's arrows for firewood. - Matshona Dhliwayo
Speak for yourself and from yourself, or be silent. - George H Lewes
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. - Martin Buber
You can't be a smart cookie if you have a crumbly attitude. - Unknown
It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. - Stephen Hawking
To deceive a diplomat speak the truth, he has no experience with it. - Greek Proverb
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Unknown
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. - Aristotle
The arrogance of the present is to forget the intelligence of the past. - Ken Burns
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. - Bill Murray
Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language. - Gail Godwin
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. - Desmond Tutu
It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer. - Albert Einstein
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. - Victoria Wood
I might have gone to West Point but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. - Will Rogers
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work. - Mark Twain
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
If you cannot understand me in my speech, how can you understand me in my silence? - Ravi Zacharias
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. - Jane Wagner
The language of the law must not be foreign to the ears of those who are to obey it. - Learned hand
No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. - Demi Lovato
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. - Yakov Smirnoff
The art of art, the glory of expression, and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity. - Walt Whitman
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
When a man has no design but to speak plain truth, he may say a great deal in a very narrow compass. - Sir Richard Steele
You can have brilliant ideas, but if you cannot get them across, your ideas will not get you anywhere. - Lee Iacocca
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. - Mark Twain
The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson
What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. - Matthew 5:14-16
Harold MacMillan is a very intelligent man, who, as so often happens in politics, achieved supreme power too late. - Malcolm Muggeridge
If you find yourself saying, "But I can't speak English...", try adding the word "... yet". - Jane Revell
Language, identity, place, home: these are all of a piece - just different elements of belonging and not-belonging. - Jhumpa Lahiri
I'm off the diet, but not the treadmill. I speak as someone who's attempted to lose weight and get fit thrice before in my life. - Ronnie Screwvala
You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms. - Terence McKenna
Speak for yourself and from yourself, or be silent. - George H Lewes
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. - Martin Buber
You can't be a smart cookie if you have a crumbly attitude. - Unknown
It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. - Stephen Hawking
To deceive a diplomat speak the truth, he has no experience with it. - Greek Proverb
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Unknown
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. - Aristotle
The arrogance of the present is to forget the intelligence of the past. - Ken Burns
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. - Bill Murray
Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language. - Gail Godwin
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. - Desmond Tutu
It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer. - Albert Einstein
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. - Victoria Wood
I might have gone to West Point but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. - Will Rogers
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work. - Mark Twain
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
If you cannot understand me in my speech, how can you understand me in my silence? - Ravi Zacharias
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. - Jane Wagner
The language of the law must not be foreign to the ears of those who are to obey it. - Learned hand
No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. - Demi Lovato
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. - Yakov Smirnoff
The art of art, the glory of expression, and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity. - Walt Whitman
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Alan Dundes
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
When a man has no design but to speak plain truth, he may say a great deal in a very narrow compass. - Sir Richard Steele
You can have brilliant ideas, but if you cannot get them across, your ideas will not get you anywhere. - Lee Iacocca
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. - Mark Twain
The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson
What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. - Matthew 5:14-16
Harold MacMillan is a very intelligent man, who, as so often happens in politics, achieved supreme power too late. - Malcolm Muggeridge
If you find yourself saying, "But I can't speak English...", try adding the word "... yet". - Jane Revell
Language, identity, place, home: these are all of a piece - just different elements of belonging and not-belonging. - Jhumpa Lahiri
I'm off the diet, but not the treadmill. I speak as someone who's attempted to lose weight and get fit thrice before in my life. - Ronnie Screwvala
You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms. - Terence McKenna
see also Redneck Section
Bright People
Conservative Plant
Cow Return
Cowcycle
First Shipment
Ottawa White Smoke
Pipe Talk
Puntastic
Seattle After Pot Was Legalized
Stay Off The Grass
Tearable Puns
Tridgeridoo
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03-Mar-2021 |