Nostril Growth

Unexpected Returns


Looking tired and disgusted, Shawn went to see his doctor. The doctor could barely contain his surprise when he saw carrots growing from the man’s nostrils.

“My goodness,” the doctor said,“no wonder you’re upset!”

“You’re not kidding,” Shawn said. “I planted tomatoes.”


QuotaBills
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Every disease is a physician. - Irish Proverb

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Good doctors make poor patients. - Unknown

Dentist Office: A filling station - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

Time is a physician that heals every grief. - Diphilus

Better a lucky physician than a learned one. - English Proverb

The doctors X-rayed my head an found nothing. - Dizzy Dean

When fate arrives the physician becomes a fool. - Arabic proverb

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

Somebody must get the incompetent lawyers and doctors. - George Bernard Shaw

Though physician to others, yet himself full of sores. - Latin Proverb

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

Trips to the dentist - I like to postpone that kind of thing. - Johnny Depp

Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. - Gilbert Gottfried

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. - Don Herold

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? - George Carlin

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. - Miles Kington

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas. - Mason Cooley

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form. - Spike Milligan

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. - Ambrose Bierce

Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold

A physician buries his mistakes, a dentist pulls them out, but a teacher has to live with them. - Unknown

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. - Johnny Carson

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon. - Eric Ericksen

Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life? - Lynette Mather

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

The art of healing comes from nature, not from the physician. Therefore the physician must start from nature, with an open mind. - Paracelsus

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler

I am keeping with tradition today. After I learned of my Golden Globe nomination, I went to the dentist, so today, let's make it the orthodontist. - Frankie Muniz

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


see also   Relationship  Section
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Duck Tomato
Italian Chef Memorial
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Special Southernisms
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Tomato Sprouts
Tomato Treat
Truly Tasteless Veggie

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Acceptable Doctors Sign
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An Old Man’s Dying Request
Arkansas Cure For Terminal Illness
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First Proctologist Exam
Flu Fashion
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Magnetic Personality
Mechanical Patient
Menopause Sucks
One Wee Scottish Farty
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
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Singing Gynecologist
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Swine Flu Symptoms
Tattoo Implants
Typeface for Doctors
Viagra Overdose
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Snow Roller

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26-Feb-2021