[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Old men are children for a second time. - Aristophanes
It takes an entire village to raise a child. - African Proverb
I will not down to posterity talking bad grammar. - Benjamin Disraeli
The worst children are always somebody else's. - Unknown
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner
Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. - Robert H. Heinlein
Little children, little sorrows; big children, great sorrows. - Danish Proverb
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield
There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill
Children are one third of our population and all of our future. - Unknown
I don't teach my children what is Hindu and what is Muslim. - Shah Rukh Khan
I'm contributing to the, waddya call, on the loosincy of a child. - Archie Bunker
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr
Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. - David Brenner
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
Four very powerful words to say to your child: "I believe in you." - Kevin Heath
All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson
The most important question in the world is, "Why is the child crying?" - Alice Walker
The language of the law must not be foreign to the ears of those who are to obey it. - Learned hand
When I was a child, I wanted to raise horses in Wyoming or be a cabin boy on a pirate ship. - Sadie Jones
I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx
It's triple the Trump this season... I invited my children, Don Jr. and Ivanka into the boardroom. - Donald Trump
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Unknown
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
Parents should leave books lying around marked "forbidden" if they want their children to read. - Doris Lessing
Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
Let early education be a sort of amusement; you will then better be able to find out the natural bent of the child. - Plato
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. - Unknown
In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
I was forced to live far beyond my years when just a child, now I have reversed the order and I intend to remain young indefinitely. - Mary Pickford
If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales. - Albert Einstein
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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17-Nov-2019 |