[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Inspiration is remembering the future. - Unknown
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
The soul is healed by being with children. - Fyodor Dostoyevski
It's never too late for a happy childhood. - Gloria Steinem
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. - Buck Henry
I don't teach my children what is Hindu and what is Muslim. - Shah Rukh Khan
The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children. - Elaine Heffner
To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language. - Arlene Benedict
When I was a child what I wanted to be when I grew up was an invalid. - Quentin Crisp
Silence is the language of God; it is also the language of the heart. - Sivananda
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. - Jack London
Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown
Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. - Haim Ginott
Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri
All my life through, the new sights of Nature made me rejoice like a child. - Marie Curie
Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. - Golda Meir
All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson
Nature reserves the right to inflict upon her children the most terrifying jests. - Thornton Wilder
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher
It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. - Pope John XXIII
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
The affection you get back from children is sixpence given as change for a sovereign. - Edith Nesbit
My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng
Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. - Doug Larson
I will continue to freak out my children by knitting in public. It's good for them. - Stephanie Pearl-McPhee
There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
A rich person should leave his kids enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing. - Warren Buffett
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. - Garrison Keillor
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Unknown
If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman
I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris
The legacy I want to leave is a child-care system that says no kid is going to be left alone or left unsafe. - Marian Wright Edelman
Imagine if you succeeded in making the world perfect for your children what a shock the rest of life would be for them. - Joyce Maynard
You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
Technology is just a tool. In terms of getting the kids working together and motivating them, the teacher is the most important. - Bill Gates
The wise man is but a clever infant, spelling letters from a hieroglyphical prophetic book, the lexicon of which lies in eternity. - Thomas Carlyle
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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