[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Language is a virus from outer space. - William S Burroughs
Old men are children for a second time. - Aristophanes
The best thing to spend on your children is your time. - Louise Hart
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all. - Pearl S. Buck
Little children, little sorrows; big children, great sorrows. - Danish Proverb
As long as you know men are like children, you know everything. - Coco Chanel
One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world. - Malala Yousafzai
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. - Gore Vidal
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. - Thomas Edison
We have to make our inspiration first before our inspiration can build us. - Sanjive K Sharma
Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown
Three problems we have: lack of boundaries, insufficient language, incompletions. - Thomas Leonard
Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. - Unknown
There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
The most beautiful thing in the world is, precisely, the conjunction of learning and inspiration. - Wanda Landowska
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That's the whole point. - Mark Zuckerberg
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. - Steven Wright
A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them a fortune. - Richard Whately
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
Parents should leave books lying around marked "forbidden" if they want their children to read. - Doris Lessing
If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman
The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm. - Aldous Huxley
Success is the child of drudgery and perseverance. It cannot be coaxed or bribed; pay the price and it is yours. - Orison Swett Marden
A nation that does not stand for its children does not stand for anything and will not stand tall in the future. - Marian W Edelman
Whatever happened to a sense of idealism and embracing an idea that will help people and, in this case, children? - Rod Blagojevich
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor." - Hal Eaton
Any fool can have a child. That doesn't make you a father. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father. - Barack Obama
Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. - C S Lewis
Grandparent: 1. One who knows that spanking is unnecessary; 2. The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Forgiveness is that subtle thread that binds both love and friendship. Without forgiveness, you may not even have a child one day. - George Foreman
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor
It takes someone really brave to be a mother, someone strong to raise a child, and someone special to love someone more than herself. - Unknown
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton
Historically the family has played the primary role in educating children for life, with the school providing supplemental scaffolding to the family. - Stephen Covey
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
 Tree Sorrow |  OCD Electrician |  2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars |  Redneck Shower Head |  Wise Moves |
 Fox Hunting Madness |  Emperor Penguins |  The Side Effects of Veganism |  Stair Railing Electrician |  Cold Faucet |
 Make Womb For Baby |  Hardtail Bike |  Birth Control Kit |  Come-Back Line Of The Year |  Duck Gears |
 Chewing Gum Hazard |  Keyboard Seating |  Bent Over |  Whatchamacallit Car |  Gone To Market |
28-Jan-2021 |