[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap. - Danish Proverb
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. - Steven Wright
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Sam Levenson
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield
As long as you know men are like children, you know everything. - Coco Chanel
Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. - Maria Montessori
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass
I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young. - Donald Trump
The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children. - Jim Henson
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben
I am married to Beatrice Salkeld, a painter. We have no children, except me. - Brendan Behan
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett
The most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed". - Dorothy Parker
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. - Jane Wagner
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect. - Owens L. Pomeroy
A rich person should leave his kids enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing. - Warren Buffet
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
What is so real as the cry of a child? A rabbit's cry may be wilder but it has no soul. - Sylvia Plath
The most precious jewels you'll ever have around your neck are the arms of your children. - Unknown
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them a fortune. - Richard Whately
Our children may learn about heroes of the past. Our task is to make ourselves architects of the future. - Jomo Mzee Kenyatta
If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman
The names of colors are at the edge, between where language fails and where it's at its most powerful. - A.S. Byatt
We ought to be doing all we can to make it possible for every child to fulfill his or her God-given potential. - Hillary Rodham Clinton
Violence of language leads to violence of action. Angry men seldom fight if their tongues do not lead the fray. - Charles V Roman
The only way we can ever teach a child to say "I'm sorry" is for him to hear it from our lips first. - Kevin Leman
Let early education be a sort of amusement; you will then better be able to find out the natural bent of the child. - Plato
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton
I remain convinced that obstinate addiction to ordinary language in our private thoughts is one of the main obstacles to progress in philosophy. - Bertrand Russell
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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27-Feb-2020 |