[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
All children are essentially criminal. - Denis Diderot
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. - Larry Wall
Our greatest natural resource is the minds of our children. - Walt Disney
The great man is one who never loses his child’s heart. - Mencius
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. - John J. Plomp
There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge
Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. - Maria Montessori
I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young. - Donald Trump
Children see things very well sometimes - and idealists even better. - Lorraine Hansbury
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. - Jack London
Inspiration at its best means breath, and only too frequently means wind. - G K Chesterton
I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids. - Unknown
A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. - Victor Hugo
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature reserves the right to inflict upon her children the most terrifying jests. - Thornton Wilder
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller
Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. - Jane Wagner
The affection you get back from children is sixpence given as change for a sovereign. - Edith Nesbit
Vasectomy: 1. Never having to say you're sorry; 2. Spoil the rod. Spare the child. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn. - Ignacio Estrada
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy
Animals are like little children a bit. They're simple. They don't have politics driving them. - Annabelle Sabloff
No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
Inspiration comes from within yourself. One has to be positive. When you're positive, good things happen. - Deep Roy
The protean nature of the computer is such that it can act like a machine or like a language to be shaped and exploited. - Alan Kay
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela
It takes someone really brave to be a mother, someone strong to raise a child, and someone special to love someone more than herself. - Unknown
When nature is my inspiration and subject, I am witness to an extraordinary range of color and every imaginable atmospheric condition. - Karen Casey
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. - Johnny Depp
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
If you never want to see a man again, just tell him, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children." They leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner
Rather than pushing children to think like adults, we might do better to remember that they are great learners and to try harder to be more like them. - Seymour Papert
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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28-Sep-2020 |