[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Wine and children speak the truth. - Greek Proverb
I am disappointment in you're grammar. - Unknown
The soul is healed by being with children. - Fyodor Dostoyevski
It takes an entire village to raise a child. - African Proverb
I am the Roman Emperor and am above grammar. - Emperor Sigismund
Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
You know what's cool? My kids think I'm ordinary. - Michael J. Fox
The two things children wear out are clothes and parents. - Unknown
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. - Larry Wall
Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. - Robert H. Heinlein
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno
Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children. - Doris Day
As a child, the only clear thought I had was "Get candy." - Jerry Seinfeld
Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi
When I was a child what I wanted to be when I grew up was an invalid. - Quentin Crisp
I have very good executives and great children. They're very good. - Donald Trump
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. - David Brenner
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them. - Rita Rudner
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Unknown
Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child. - Ron Wild
Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. - Golda Meir
I'm not buying my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. - Yogi Berra
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect. - Owens L. Pomeroy
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. - Yakov Smirnoff
I never made a mistake in grammar but once in my life, and as soon as I done it. I seen it. - Carl Sandburg
Judging a child taking his first steps for not being able to run a marathon is shortsighted. - Tyler Winklevoss
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in... it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe
Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration. - Evan Esar
Music is the language of the spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife. - Kahlil Gibran
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. - Erma Bombeck
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot
The best thing I've ever done? Well, I've created four beautiful children. You mean, other than that? - Donald Trump
A children's story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children's story in the slightest. - C S Lewis
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor." - Hal Eaton
Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. - Will Rogers
I've seen whales calving in the waters off Maui, and I've watched my children being born. But music is the most beautiful thing of all. - Steven Tyler
Blessed be Providence which has given to each his toy: the doll to the child, the child to the woman, the woman to the man, the man to the devil. - Victor Hugo
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
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Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
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Redneck Time Out
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19-Oct-2021 |