[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
It takes a whole village to raise a child. - African Proverb
Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown
With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. - John J. Plomp
What you teach your own children is what you really believe in. - Cathy Warner Weatherford
There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill
Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. - Maria Montessori
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass
As a child, the only clear thought I had was "Get candy." - Jerry Seinfeld
Too many of today's children have straight teeth and crooked morals. - Unknown
Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown
The most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed". - Dorothy Parker
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Adams
Do we not all agree to call rapid thought and noble impulse by the name of inspiration? - George Eliot
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash
Children's games are hardly games. Children are never more serious than when they play. - Michel de Montaigne
What is so real as the cry of a child? A rabbit's cry may be wilder but it has no soul. - Sylvia Plath
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. - Garrison Keillor
There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children - one is roots, and the other, wings. - Hodding S. Carter
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr
As a child, I was subjected to a lot of spaghetti Westerns and hated them. I wanted the Indians to win. - Kara Walker
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
The names of colors are at the edge, between where language fails and where it's at its most powerful. - A.S. Byatt
Inspiration comes unawares, from unaccountable sources that have nothing to do with planning or intelligence. - Maurice Chevalier
The only way we can ever teach a child to say "I'm sorry" is for him to hear it from our lips first. - Kevin Leman
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - WC Fields
The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them. - Bertrand Russell
Every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. - Sir James M. Barrie
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
The wise man is but a clever infant, spelling letters from a hieroglyphical prophetic book, the lexicon of which lies in eternity. - Thomas Carlyle
There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about. - Criss Jami
In a big family the first child is kind of like the first pancake. If it's not perfect, that's okay, there are a lot more coming along. - Antonin Scalia
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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15-Dec-2019 |