[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart
The eyes have one language everywhere. - George Herbert
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. - Mark Twain
I will not down to posterity talking bad grammar. - Benjamin Disraeli
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
The great man is one who never loses his child’s heart. - Mencius
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. - Martin Buber
I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me. - Judy Collins
Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. - Maria Montessori
No one was ever great without some portion of divine inspiration. - Cicero
Jackpot: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. - Dick Cavett
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain
Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. - Joan Didion
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb
Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. - Thomas Paine
As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett
Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration; the rest of us just get up and go to work. - Stephen King
Children need the freedom and time to play. Play is not a luxury. Play is a necessity. - Kay R. Jamison
Every time a child is born it brings with it the hope that God is not yet disappointed in man. - Rabindranath Tagore
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. - Bill Cosby
Golden Age: When the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Eddie discovered one of his childhood's great truths. Grownups are the real monsters, he thought. - Stephen King
The child should gain no request by anger; when he is quiet let him be offered what was refused when he wept. - Seneca
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it. - Mona Crane
Whatever happened to a sense of idealism and embracing an idea that will help people and, in this case, children? - Rod Blagojevich
The only way we can ever teach a child to say "I'm sorry" is for him to hear it from our lips first. - Kevin Leman
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them. - Bertrand Russell
Morals are an acquirement - like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis - no man is born with them. - Mark Twain
Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. - C S Lewis
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking. - Deepak Chopra
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan
Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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16-May-2022 |