[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Adults are just obsolete children. - Dr. Seuss
Every child begins the world again. - Henry David Thoreau
It is a wise father that knows his own child. - William Shakespeare
It's never too late for a happy childhood. - Gloria Steinem
Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. - George Santayana
The great man is one who never loses his child’s heart. - Mencius
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. - John J. Plomp
Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back. - John Ruskin
Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson
There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge
No matter how bad a child is, he is still good for a tax deduction. - American Proverb
No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut. - Sam Rayburn
Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children. - Unknown
I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate. - Nancy Astor
Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. - Doug Larson
When I see my granddaughters make small discoveries of their own, I wish I were a child. - Dr. Seuss
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
I never made a mistake in grammar but once in my life, and as soon as I done it. I seen it. - Carl Sandburg
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. - H. Jackson Brown
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
It's not uncommon to see kids on the school bus reading books and doing homework on the bus. - Anthony Amero
The most beautiful thing in the world is, precisely, the conjunction of learning and inspiration. - Wanda Landowska
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. - Aristotle
If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. - Abigail Van Buren
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. - Erma Bombeck
If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot
Teamwork makes the dream work, but a vision becomes a nightmare when the leader has a big dream and a bad team. - John C Maxwell
Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements. - Napoleon Hill
A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason; to always be curious; and to fight tirelessly for something. - Paulo Coelho
The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking. - Deepak Chopra
Always try to use the language so as to make quite clear what you mean and make sure your sentence couldn't mean anything else. - C S Lewis
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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02-Jun-2020 |