[An Actual
Letter Sent To A U.S. Bank]
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 2001 taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when
I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Authorized Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the
Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the
only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as follows:
1) To make an appointment to see me
2) To query a missing payment
3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home
7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a message a password to access my computer
is required: password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact
8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 7
9) To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from “The Best of Woody
Guthrie”:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are
filled with silver, That the miners sweated for.” After twenty minutes of that, our
mutual Contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out,
the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, a cost which you have always
been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First,
there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20
per page. Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at
75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised
to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever is
more) to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
see also
Business, Finance & Stress Sections
(August 2008 Bounced Check version)
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