‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared -
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt;
I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So - away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip;
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
’Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie - not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick;
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie -
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot...
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!
Diets are mainly food for thought. - N Wylie Jones
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright
Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown
When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo
A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster
I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - The Devil Wears Prada
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper
The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey
Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time. - Jean Paul Richter
And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams
My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides
The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish. - Carrie Underwood
You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. - Sarah Dessen
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno
My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman
Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
Dieting is not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you celebrate the small victories, you will eventually win the war. - Ian K Smith
The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt
A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney
From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr
Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown
New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock
Diet & New Years Sections
How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?
Pike Mouth Nest
Improvise, Adapt, Overcome
Never Go Full Retard
Dinner Preparation: Here's looking at you!
Same Mistake Twice
How To Build A Fence
Social Distancing Fine