Lutheran Airlines - New Service
in Minnesnowta

Consider Lutheran Air - the no-frills airline



Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.

“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.

There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive those who sin against us, vich some people say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.

Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the coffee pot up front.

Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.”



Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor

QuotaBills
I got bigger fish to fly - Archie Bunker

If I cannot fly, let me sing. - Stephen Sondheim

Music is the poetry of the air. - Jean Paul Richter

The voice is nothing but beaten air. - Seneca

To elude by flight is a glorious victory. - Horace

The shell must break before the bird can fly. - Unknown

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin

Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Flight attendants don't die, they just fly higher. - Unknown

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what is dangerous. - Unknown

Only the two of us together flying high upon the wings of love. - Jeffrey Osborne

The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly. - Bob Bello

We all thought we'd have flying cars by now, but we don't. - Dana Brunetti

I have wings on the back of my shoulders and I'm ready to fly. - Pamela Laskin

All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of chips. - Unknown

The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. - Alexander Woollcott

If ever a chef were to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Poland Proverb

Something in the air this morning made me feel like flying... Spring Flight - Eileen Granfors

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

With birds flying around, man's desire for having wings rises to infinite. - Mehmet M Ildan

Now that I've found the way to fly, which direction should I go into the night? - Ally Condie

There are two kind of air travel in the United States, first class and third world. - Bobby Slayton

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. - Lanston Hughes

The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. - Chinese Proverb

Learn to adapt like a bird. We can only dream of flying, but the bird has already grown her wings. - Debasish Mridha

Learn to close your eyes and trust. Learn to open your heart and love. Learn to take the risk and fly. - Maxime Lagace

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. - Unknown

I don't like all this fresh air: I'm from Los Angeles; I don't trust any air I can't see. - Bob Hope

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it. - Golda Meir

There is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require. - Edward Elgar

Concentrating on poses clears the mind, while focusing on the breath helps the body shift out of fight or flight mode. - Melanie Haiken

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?" - Robin Williams

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Rodney Dangerfield

Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. - Henry David Thoreau

I can almost feel the wind beneath my wings; I can almost taste the thrill of flying away from this small town and never looking back. - Tessa Hall

Southwest Airlines is successful because the company understands it's a customer service company. It also happens to be an airline. - Harvey Mackay

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery - air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, 'This is what it is to be happy.' - Sylvia Plath

A nation that destroys its soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people. - Franklin D Roosevelt

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground. - Jarod Kintz


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09-Dec-2021