Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.
“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re
all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.
There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety
system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill
Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I
vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back
up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence
vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet,
sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive
those who sin against us, vich some people
say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may
interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all
the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant
you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.
Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the
coffee pot up front.
Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t
take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not
Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to
us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close.
Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor
I got bigger fish to fly - Archie Bunker
The voice is nothing but beaten air. - Seneca
Roasted pigeons will not fly into one's mouth. - Dutch Proverb
Mothers are angels that lift us when we cannot fly. - Unknown
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. - Unknown
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. - G K Chesterton
You cannot fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren. - William Henry Hudson
Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly? - Frida Kahlo
Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese Proverb
The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly. - Bob Bello
The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
I think being a dragon would be pretty awesome... you get to fly. - Josh Keaton
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris
If ever a chef were to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Poland Proverb
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth. - Henry David Thoreau
I love Halloween: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner. - Evan Peters
Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo. - Al Gore
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. - Jonathan Winters
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. - Lanston Hughes
He who waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth must wait a very, very long time. - Chinese Proverb
My tent doesn't look like much but it is air-conditioned and has exceptional location. - Fennel Hudson
You can't fly with the owls by night and expect to keep up with the eagles during the day. - Unknown
We breathe air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all. - Unknown
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour; how sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind. - Charles D Warner
I want the pilot flying me up in the air at 30,000 feet to make more than a guy working at Taco Bell. - Michael Moore
Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell
A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but, one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still. - Samuel Johnson
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the Canaries." - Bob Monkhouse
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know so it goes flying anyway. - Mary Kay Ash
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Rodney Dangerfield
Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself. - Joel Hawes
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." - Steven Wright
Pilots take no special joy in walking: pilots like flying. Pilots generally take pride in a good landing, not in getting out of the vehicle. - Neil Armstrong
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground. - Jarod Kintz
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. - Rumi
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