Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi’ the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin’ a’ ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a’body’s gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin’ air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek
But a’ the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
A’ hope a’ huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a’ better scurry
Whit the hell, it’s no ma worry
A’body roon aboot me choakin’
One or two are nearly boakin’
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I’m no that welcome any mair
Where e’re ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o’ one wee farty.
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
see also Bad Gas Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Car-nage
Car Surgeon
Colon Celery
Colonoscopy Comments
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Doctor’s Flat Examination
Dog Proctologist
Exhausting Gyne Work
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
Singing Gynecologist
 Job Retraining |  Wet Floor Caution |  Chef Multitasking |  Camera Waterfall |  Irony Pin |
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 LadyNet |  I Can Explain It |  Parallel Parking Car |  Frog Long Jumper's Rest Break |  Road To Nowhere |
14-Dec-2019 |