One Wee Scottish Farty

(Tae A Fart)


Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi’ the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin’ a’ ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a’body’s gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it’s like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin’ air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a’ the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A’ hope a’ huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a’ better scurry
Whit the hell, it’s no ma worry

A’body roon aboot me choakin’
One or two are nearly boakin’
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I’m no that welcome any mair

Where e’re ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o’ one wee farty.


QuotaBills
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson

Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown

Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans

Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb

Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel

Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your health. - Unknown

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman

Most religious people accept medicine as a gift from God and reap the benefits of both realms. - Caroline Fraser

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

Perfect freedom is as necessary to the health and vigor of commerce as it is to the health and vigor of citizenship. - Patrick Henry

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid

My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


see also   Bad Gas  Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Car-nage
Car Surgeon
Colon Celery
Colonoscopy Comments
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Doctor’s Flat Examination
Dog Proctologist
Exhausting Gyne Work
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
Singing Gynecologist
 

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25-Jan-2021