Redneck Birth Control
Why contraceptives are useless

Dear Doctor:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Line Dance. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period - when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy - but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about condoms. He demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn’t get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, but I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

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