Operator: “Thank you for calling Olympic Pizza. May I have your...”
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order.”
Operator: “May I have your NIDN first, sir?”
Customer: “My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh… it’s 6102049798-45-54610.”
Operator: “Thank you, Mr. Ward. I see you live at 1642 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number’s 495-2177. Your office number over at Squamish Insurance is 745-2305 and your cell number’s 276-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?”
Customer: “Huh? I’m at home. Where d’ya get all this information?”
Operator: “We’re wired into the system, sir.”
Customer: (Sighs) “Oh, well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special Luge pizzas - the one that the street luge guy almost ordered...”
Operator: “I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.”
Customer: “Whaddya mean?”
Operator: “Sir, your medical records indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.”
Customer: “Dang. What do you recommend, then?”
Operator: “You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Customer: “What makes you think I’d like something like that?”
Operator: “Well, you checked out “Gourmet Soybean Recipes” on Google last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.”
Customer: “All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What’s that cost?”
Operator: “That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The “damage,” as you refer to in several of your past emails to us, comes to $49.99.”
Customer: “Lemme give you my credit card number.”
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.”
Customer: “I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.”
Operator: “That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn.”
Customer: “Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?”
Operator: “We’re running a little behind - it’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick ’em up while you’re out getting the
cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.”
Customer: “How the heck do you know I’m riding a bike?”
Operator: “It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got reposessed. But your Harley’s paid up, so I just assumed that you’d be using it.”
Customer: “@#%/$@&?#!”
Operator: “I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop.”
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: “Will there be anything else, sir?”
Customer: “No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don’t forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas.”
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.”
No, it's all in perfect working order. - Spike Milligan
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit. - Henry Adams
Dance first. Think later. It's the natural order. - Samuel Beckett
We shall now proceed to construct the Socialist order. - Lenin
People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves. - Albert Camus
In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd. - Miguel de Cervantes
In order to see birds it is necessary to become a part of the silence. - Robert Lynd
In order to please others, we lose our hold on our life's purpose. - Epictetus
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. - Arthur Schopenhauer
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. - Imbesi's Law of Conservation of Filth
The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order. - Jean Cocteau
After exercising I always eat pizza... just kidding. I don't exercise. - Unknown
When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly. - Michel de Montaigne
In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision. - Dalai Lama
I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order. - John Burroughs
I keep on making what I can't do yet in order to learn to be able to do it. - Vincent van Gogh
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. - Steve Martin
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso
You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life. - Governor Grand Moff Tarkin
Zero: The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. - Yogi Berra
You must live with people to know their problems, and live with God in order to solve them. - P.T. Forsyth
The capitalist chain is again threatening to break at the weakest link. Spain is next in order. - Leon Trotsky
She needed the chaos within her in order to discover the extraordinary no man could ever reach. - Robert M. Drake
They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery. - Bill Murray
Life is like a bank account. You must put something in it in order for you to take anything out. - Joe Segal
In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. - Richard Bach
In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it. - Mitch Albom
Let's be frank, the Italians' technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven. - Bill Bryson
From where we stand the rain seems random. If we could stand somewhere else, we would see the order in it. - Tony Hillerman
God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way. - C S Lewis
My mother reads the obituary page every day, but she could never understand how people always die in alphabetical order. - Frank Carson
When it comes to politics, I sit down on a sofa and grab some popcorn - or sometimes I crouch down in order not to get shot. - Sergey Galitsky
Moses took us Israelis forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil. - Golda Meir
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. - Paul Sweeney
I was forced to live far beyond my years when just a child, now I have reversed the order and I intend to remain young indefinitely. - Mary Pickford
I'm always interested in finding the new trend. If you love pizza every day, after 22 years of eating pizza, you want to try sushi. - Jean Pigozzi
Cricket - a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity. - Lord Mancroft
Among God's creatures two, the dog and the guitar, have taken all the sizes and all the shapes, in order not to be separated from the man. - Andres Segovia
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27-Jan-2021 |