Q: Where does Valentine’s Day come after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: Why should you send your sweetheart a valentine on Valentine’s Day?
A: Because you always heart the one you love.
Q: What did the man who loves his car do on February 14th?
A: He gave it a Valen-shine.
Q: What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Q: What do squirrels give each other for Valentine’s Day?
Q: What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine’s Day?
A: “You mean a great dill to me!”
Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Ughs and kisses.
Q: What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and kisses.
Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: “You are bee-autiful - will you bee mine?”
Q: What did the girl bee say to the boy bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: “I love bee-ing with you!”
Q: What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit on Valentine’s Day?
A: “You’re no bunny ’til some bunny loves you!”
Q: What did the pork chop say to the steak on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Nice to meat you!”
Q: What did the boy drum say to the girl drum on Valentine’s Day?
A: “My heart beats for you!”
Q: What did the girl lightbulb to the boy lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
A: “You de-light me - I love you watts and watts!”
Q: What did the boy lightbulb to the girl lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Watts you see is watts you get!”
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Owl be yours.”
Q: What did the boy snake say to the girl snake on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Give me a hug and a hiss, honey!”
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
A: “I love ewe!”
Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day?
A: “You’re purrfect for me!”
Q: What did the boy bird sing to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Let me call you tweetheart...”
Q: How did the Vampire call his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Be my Ghoul-friend!”
Q: What did the boy whale say to the girl whale on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Whale you be mine?”
Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: They’re very scent-imental.
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day?
A: “I love you beary much!”
Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
A: She didn’t suit his taste.
Q: What did the little boy bat say to his Valentine?
A: “I love hanging around with you.”
Q: Why did the boy jump up and down on his Valentine card?
A: He was told to stamp letters.
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny.
Valentine's Day is the poet's holiday. - Ted Kooser
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Milton Berle
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. - Jim Gaffigan
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. - Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. - Christopher Plummer
I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine! - Thomas Hood
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
To the romantic soul, the rituals of Valentine's Day echo every day of the year. - Richelle E. Goodrich
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time. - Emma McLaughlin
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
This Valentine's Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes - small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members. - Jarod Kintz
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. - Milton Berle
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
Hollywood wanted to change my birthdate. I was born after Valentine's Day, so they wanted to change it to February 14. A Latin lover should be born on Valentine's Day. I said no. - Cesar Romero
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
Relationship & Valentine Sections
Happy Valentine’s Day to Our New Father
Happy vOWLentine’s Day
Lawyer’s Valentine Gift
Perfect Valentines Day
Redneck Valentine Love Poems
She Loves Me ... She Loves Me Not
Unhappy Valentine’s Day
Valentine Love & Hisses
Valentine One Liners
Valentine’s Day Dinner
Valentine’s Day Trivia
Diamond Ring TP
The Three Stooges In And Out Of Character
Mask Not Your Country
Your In America
Mexican Repair Shop
Don't Be A Stick In The Mud
Wake Up Alarm
Mr. Dressup II
Redneck Rolling Bottle Sprinkler