Lily Tomlin Quotes
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

If I’d known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less.

If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If you can’t be direct, why be?

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.

Infinity is just time on an ego trip.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year, everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

There will be sex after death, we just will not be able to feel it.

There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

They could be in three places at the same time and still be at one with the universe.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

"This is the operator. Am I speaking to the party to whom I am connected?"

Truth is, I’ve always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

We are people with lives, not consumers with lifestyles.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

We’re all in this alone.

We’re giving jobs to people who would otherwise be out of work if we weren’t exploiting cheap labor.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

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