We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Women hold up half the sky. - Mao Zedong
Trade Secrets: What women do - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Dull women have immaculate homes. - Unknown
Well-behaved women seldom make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. - Unknown
Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker
Women want love to be a novel. Men, a short story. - Daphne du Maurier
Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
A wit should be no more sincere than a woman constant. - William Congreve
We're women. We have a double standard to live up to. - Ally McBeal
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin
I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. - John Van Druten
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed. - Henny Youngman
The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Amazing women don't have hot flashes. We have power surges. - Unknown
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. - George Burns
I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women. - Queen Christina of Sweden
Some say women are addicted to chocolate. I say we're merely loyal. - Cathy Guisewite
That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say no in any of them. - Dorothy Parker
If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova
What else is there to live for? Chinese food and women. There is nothing else! - Dudley Moore
Beauty is the first present nature gives to a woman and the first it takes away. - Fay Weldon
Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My vigour, vitality, and cheek repel me. I am the kind of woman I would run from. - Nancy Astor
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead
Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. - Joseph Joubert
Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognize it. - Jean-Paul Belmondo
The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx
Let praise be given equally to women as well as men who have been distinguished in virtue. - Plato
Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit. - Oscar Wilde
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg
The stronger the dialog, the stronger the brand; the weaker the dialog, the weaker the brand. - Larry Webber
To my eye, women get sexier around 35. They know a thing or two, and knowledge is always alluring. - Pierce Brosnan
When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay. - Groucho Marx
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men - they are far superior and always have been. - William Golding
Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak. Ever since you were born it's been a sign that you are alive. - Unknown
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. - Oscar Wilde
If a woman says, 'Do what you want', do not do what you want. Stand still. Do not blink. Don't even breathe. Just play dead. - Unknown
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