We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
What do women want? - Sigmund Freud
Women hold up half the sky. - Mao Zedong
Some leaders are born women. - Unknown
Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. - Kathy Lette
Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. - Steve Rubenstein
Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic. - Rosalind Russell
Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. - Rudyard Kipling
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - George Carlin
All women are crazy, it's only a question of degree. - WC Fields
Organ Recital: A group of women discussing their operations - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
It is the weak man who urges compromise - never the strong man. - Elbert Hubbard
There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise. - Unknown
Contract: An agreement that is binding only on the weaker party. - Unknown
That woman is liable to come at you like a Doberman's Pincher. - Archie Bunker
It is much easier to take care of a sackful of fleas than a woman. - German Proverb
As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf
Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn't try to overlook it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck
What else is there to live for? Chinese food and women. There is nothing else! - Dudley Moore
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. - Mae West
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller
A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has fire, women will like him. - Mae West
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Flirt: 1. A girl who got the boy you wanted; 2. A woman who believes it's every man for herself. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
After all, inside every woman, no matter how grown up she is, there is still a frightened little girl. - Sergei Lukyanenko
A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. - Enid Bagnold
Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev
Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful. - Samuel Johnson
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. - Anais Nin
Never try to impress a woman because if you do, you'll have to keep up that standard the rest of your life. - WC Fields
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. - Albert Einstein
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force. - Dorothy L Sayers
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. - Unknown
7 Dwarfs of Menopause
Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Finger Lickin' Good!
Spot The Surfer
Finally Got The Sink Fixed
Auto Correct Passing
Husband of the Year
Ancient Greek Stormtrooper
Dese Are My Bebies
Mega Samurai Sudoku Puzzles
Big Boots To Fill