We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Women hold up half the sky. - Mao Zedong
Some leaders are born women. - Unknown
Wrong no man and write no woman. - Elbert Hubbard
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. - Virginia Woolf
Women would rather be right than reasonable. - Ogden Nash
When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West
Women in London must have learned not to breathe. - Irene Trimble
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. - Oscar Wilde
A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age. - Voltaire
The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe
Irene Lorenzo, queen of the Women's Lubrication Movement. - Archie Bunker
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak. - Sun Tzu
There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise. - Unknown
Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact. - Ambrose Bierce
She's loaded with this, waddya call, women's intermission. - Archie Bunker
Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman. - Oscar Wilde
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. - Brendan Francis
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. - Sharon Stone
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. - Aristotle Onassis
He who has two women loses his soul. But he who has two homes loses his mind. - Ancient Proverb
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. - Oscar Wilde
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. - Mae West
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him. - Cher
Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society. - Rush Limbaugh
A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. - George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev
No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
Men have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position. - Sam Malone
I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch
From a shy, timid girl I had become a woman of resolute character, who could no longer be frightened by the struggle with troubles. - Anna Dostoevsky
When a woman puts on a heel, she has a different posture, a different attitude. She really stands up and has a consciousness of her body. - Christian Louboutin
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
I was just so lucky with 'Real Women Have Curves.' At that point, I would have done an insurance commercial. I would have done anything. - America Ferrera
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