Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
 2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars |  Mouse Hammock |  Quantum Physiques |  Holding On |  Web Designers |
 Boot Camp |  Captive Audience |  Gang Violence Has To Stop |  Dumped Truck |  SnowCut |
 Umbrella For Two |  Sink Drinker |  Pilot Lounge |  Pedal Operated Washing Machine |  Just Chillin' Out |
 Bee Prepared |  Work Siesta |  Cold Books |  Zebra Keyboard |  Sing It Out |
 Cold One |  Cheerful Trees |  Rooftop Steps |  Racing a 'Hot Rod' |  Nemo Found at Japanese Sushi Bar |
03-Mar-2021 |