Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Counsel: Advice with a price tag - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Counsel: Advice with a price tag - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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02-Aug-2021 |