Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled. - Red Skelton
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled. - Red Skelton
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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