Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice you give others. - Amish Saying
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice you give others. - Amish Saying
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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