Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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