Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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02-Jun-2020 |