Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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21-Nov-2019 |