Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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14-May-2021 |