Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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27-Feb-2020 |