A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’ ”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
Divorce: fission after fusion. - Rita Mae Brown
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. - Will Rogers
The good lawyer is the great salesman. - Janet Reno
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. - Charles Lamb
Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Valentine's Day is the poet's holiday. - Ted Kooser
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe Defries
The power of the lawyer is in the uncertainty of the law. - Jeremy Bentham
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. - Unknown
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless it is paid for. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Milton Berle
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. - Jim Gaffigan
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. - Mario Puzo
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow. - Roseanne Barr
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. - Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
It's every lawyer's dream to help shape the law, not just react to it. - Alan Dershowitz
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. - Christopher Plummer
I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright
A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine! - Thomas Hood
A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands. - Spanish Proverb
To the romantic soul, the rituals of Valentine's Day echo every day of the year. - Richelle E. Goodrich
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez
Divorce = Rebirth: forget the past, replan your life, improve your appearance & rejuvenate! - Rossana Condoleo
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity. - Lauren Bacall
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire one to tell me how to do what I want to do. - J P Morgan
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. - Will Rogers
Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time. - Emma McLaughlin
What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology. - Richard Steele
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. - Robert Anderson
This Valentine's Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes - small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members. - Jarod Kintz
There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. - Milton Berle
Whether you're a homemaker or a schoolteacher, a lawyer or a doctor, a news anchor or an aerobics instructor, everyone is conducting business each and every day. - Donald Trump
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
The minister sees them half undressed; the doctor sees them naked. They lie to the minister; they masquerade before the lawyer; they cannot deceive the discerning physician. - Martin H. Fischer
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. - Jay Leno
Hollywood wanted to change my birthdate. I was born after Valentine's Day, so they wanted to change it to February 14. A Latin lover should be born on Valentine's Day. I said no. - Cesar Romero
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. - WC Fields
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. - Will Rogers
The good lawyer is the great salesman. - Janet Reno
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. - Charles Lamb
Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Valentine's Day is the poet's holiday. - Ted Kooser
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe Defries
The power of the lawyer is in the uncertainty of the law. - Jeremy Bentham
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. - Unknown
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless it is paid for. - Unknown
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Milton Berle
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. - Jim Gaffigan
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. - Mario Puzo
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow. - Roseanne Barr
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. - Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
It's every lawyer's dream to help shape the law, not just react to it. - Alan Dershowitz
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. - Christopher Plummer
I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright
A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine! - Thomas Hood
A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands. - Spanish Proverb
To the romantic soul, the rituals of Valentine's Day echo every day of the year. - Richelle E. Goodrich
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez
Divorce = Rebirth: forget the past, replan your life, improve your appearance & rejuvenate! - Rossana Condoleo
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity. - Lauren Bacall
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire one to tell me how to do what I want to do. - J P Morgan
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. - Will Rogers
Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time. - Emma McLaughlin
What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology. - Richard Steele
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. - Robert Anderson
This Valentine's Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes - small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members. - Jarod Kintz
There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. - Milton Berle
Whether you're a homemaker or a schoolteacher, a lawyer or a doctor, a news anchor or an aerobics instructor, everyone is conducting business each and every day. - Donald Trump
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
The minister sees them half undressed; the doctor sees them naked. They lie to the minister; they masquerade before the lawyer; they cannot deceive the discerning physician. - Martin H. Fischer
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. - Jay Leno
Hollywood wanted to change my birthdate. I was born after Valentine's Day, so they wanted to change it to February 14. A Latin lover should be born on Valentine's Day. I said no. - Cesar Romero
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. - WC Fields
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
see also Lawyer & Valentine Sections
A Woman’s Mind
Childhood Romance
“Female Speak” Translation
Flower Shop For Men
iGifts
Looking For Your Wife?
Real Man’s Point System
Romance Lost
Secret Of A Long Marriage
Sheer Surprise
Understanding Women
Valentine’s Day Dinner
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27-Jan-2020 |