Essential Medical Information

Tips on health and nutrition


[I sent an E-Mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice...]

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello... Cocoa beans?!... Another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt...


QuotaBills
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

An operation of the most extreme daring. - Alfred Jodl

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet

Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets

Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown

You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience? - Mother Teresa

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman


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04-Aug-2020