Sober Santa

Write drunk; edit sober. - Ernest Hemingway

Save water - drink vodka. - Unknown

Beer speaks. People mumble. - Tony McGee

Payday came and with it beer. - Rudyard Kipling

I work until beer o'clock. - Stephen King

I like a wine that fights back. - John Steed

Wine is my favorite 4 letter word. - Unknown

Does wine count as a serving of fruit? - Joe-kster

Religions change; beer and wine remain. - Hervey Allen

You can never buy beer, you just rent it. - Archie Bunker

We only serve fine wine. Did you bring any? - Unknown

Good friends, like wine, get better with age. - Unknown

Everything's better with bacon and red wine. - Dianne Harman

Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence. - Robert Fripp

I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis. - Humphrey Bogart

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food. - WC Fields

There was a sound in their voices which suggested rum. - Robert Louis Sevenson

Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting? - WC Fields

It was 2:00 p.m., too early for wine but not for chocolate. - Andrea Hurst

What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? - Sydney Smith

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. - George Bernard Shaw

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

A meal of bread, cheese, and beer constitutes the perfect food. - Queen Elizabeth I

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits

The wagon rests in winter, the sleigh in summer, the horse never. - Yiddish Proverb

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. - Pope John XXIII

To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems. - Homer Simpson

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. - Peter Ustinov

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. - Lord Dunsany

Kidney: 1. Midpoint of a child's leg; 2. An organ used to convert beer into urine. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. - Phyllis Diller

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

Jameson's Irish Whiskey really does improve with age: the older I get the more I like it. - Bob Monkhouse

Wine makes a man more pleased with himself. I do not say it makes him more pleasing to others. - Samuel Johnson

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. - Robert Downey Jr.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - WC Fields

When the clergyman's daughter
Drinks nothing but water
She's certain to finish on gin. - Rudyard Kipling

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled. - Ovid

Milk is the drink of babies, tea the drink of women, water the drink of beasts, and wine is the drink of the gods. - John S Blackie

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

In those days the best painkiller was ice. It wasn't addictive, and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it. - George Burns

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya. - Unknown

Morals are not, like bacon, to be cured by hanging; nor, like wine, to be improved by sea voyages; nor, like honey, to be preserved in cells. - William Taylor

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. - Jim Harrison