Texas Holiday Lights

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

Texas is as odd as it is vast. - Henry Rollins

Olfactory: Texas petroleum refinery - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Parts of Texas look like Kansas with a goiter. - Unknown

Texas is a hotbed of insanely good bands and musicians. - Henry Rollins

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. - Fran Lebowitz

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

In plain Texas talk, it's 'do the right thing'. - Ross Perot

Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Texas is now a cornerstone of the electoral college for Republicans. - Ed Gillespie

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. - Red Skelton

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The landscape of Texas is in all my work. It's that light; it's that sky. - Robert Wilson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

I thought I knew Texas pretty well, but I had no notion of its size until I campaigned it. - Ann Richards

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.' - George W. Bush

Texas could exist without the United States but the United States cannot exist without Texas. - Sam Houston

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

The definition of insanity in Texas is so insane that it's impossible to be insane in Texas. - Malcolm McDowell

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. - Ian Fleming

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I don't think I'm a celebrity. I'm just a guy from east Texas who loves cars and airplanes. - Carroll Shelby

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

You can take the girl out of Texas but not the Texas out of the girl and ultimately not the girl out of Texas. - Janine Turner

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. - Yakov Smirnoff

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Francis Bacon