Annus horribilis: what 2009 has been to Tiger Woods.
Q: What kind of vehicle did Tiger Woods used to drive?
A: A fore by fore.
Golf Digest Report: Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour today after “beating” the world's #1 golfer. The win came after the top golfer played the wrong holes.
Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and the Saskatchewan Roughriders?
A: The Roughriders were caught with too many men; Tiger was caught with too many women.
After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
After winning just about everything, Tiger has finally lost his drive!
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever
had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Confucius say, “Cheetah Down Under puts Tiger in deep Woods.”
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
He may be a Tiger in the woods, but is a cub who is clubbed at home.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Q: What club did Elin use to “rescue” her husband?
A: A bitching wedge.
Seen the latest Chinese movie about Tiger Wood's crash, called “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger”?
This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.
This year's adult pantomime: “Woods in the Babes. “
Tiger aced the hole on the 2nd.
Tiger's favourite Christmas carol: “The Twelve Days of Mistress ”
Tiger swinging more than his clubs.
Tiger would have done much better by hitting a birdie.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
Tiger's new nickname 'Cheetah' is still in the cat family.
Triple-Bogey for Tiger Woods: “I Love You!”, “I Love You!”, and “I Love You!”
Q: What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
A: They're both clubbed by Norwegians.
Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A: Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
A: They went clubbing.
GatorAde has just dropped their sponsorship of Tiger Woods - they feel that there's no way to quench Tiger's thirst.
David Letterman's Top 10 ways for Tiger to improve his image:
10. Crash a state dinner at the White House.
9. Change name from Tiger to more adorable Puppy.
8. Fix the whole health care mess.
7. Put on a scarf and a hat and sing Christmas carols with Regis.
6. Instead of sweatshops in Asia, have Nike merchandise made in a sweatshop right here in the U.S.A.
5. Retire, then come back and play for the Vikings.
4. Safety land golf cart in the Hudson River.
3. Release list of women he did not have sex with.
2. Find Osama Bin Laden.
1. Blame Letterman.
David Letterman's Top 10 Text Messages Sent By Tiger Woods
10. I'm sorry, which mistress is this again?
9. I was dreaming about you when I was passed out in the street.
8. RU a cop?
You're breaking up with me for Lee Trevino?!
6. Sorry about last night - I had the yips.
5. Did I leave a green jacket at your place?
4. My wife has the car. I'll have to pick you up in the golf cart.
3. Why aren't the LPGA girls interested?
2. Hey Tiger - it's Tiger - wanna have sex tonight?
1. Thanks for changing your grip
An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely “impeccable” (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called “impeccable” tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, “your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.”