Bring Me A Real Team, Santa

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

There's no place in racism for football. - Gareth Thomas

Soccer: A European warm-up exercise for rioting - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Victor: Your football team's weekly opponent - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Wrestlers are a bunch of wanna-be football players. - Brian Bosworth

Foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. - Mitch Hedberg

Fan Belt: What a soccer fan uses to keep his trousers up - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become. - Mary McGrory

I played a little basketball. Some football in junior high. - Clint Eastwood

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. - Jimmy Breslin

Mrs. O'Leary's cow is sorry, but Cleveland burned anyway. - Archie Bunker

It is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football. - John Heisman

All I know most surely about morality and obligations, I owe to football. - Albert Camus

We seem to want one vehicle to carry people and soccer balls and hay bales. - Franz von Holzhausen

I believe in Coach Louis Wong. He is so much more than just a football coach. - Stephen Covey

Gamekeeper: A soccer goalie who doesn't get upset, despite losing heavily - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. - Lyndon Baines Johnson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Thiesmann

So like any football or basketball coach, you always believe you're going to win. - Colin Powell

In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know where the goalposts are. - Arnold H Glasgow

Football isn't a contact sport; it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport. - Vince Lombardi

College Professor: A man who gets what's left over after the football coach is paid off - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. - Phyllis Diller

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

You know how kids dream of being soccer players or actors? Well, my dream was to be a sushi chef. - Nobu Matsuhisa

Football: A sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I started out as a football player. I liked to inflict pain. In basketball, it was the same thing. - Shaquille O'Neal

I don't understand American football at all. It looks like all-in wrestling with crash helmets. - Sting

Eternity: 1. The last two minutes of a football game; 2. The time between you coming and her going. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings. - George Will

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller

As a kid, you looked forward to Charlie Brown during Halloween and you looked forward to Monday Night Football. - Nick Ferguson

Shoulder Pads: The part of a football player's uniform designed to make him look as fearsome as a female executive - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally. - Alfred Hitchcock

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? - Jim Bouton

I listened to a football coach who spoke straight from the shoulder - at least I could detect no higher origin in anything he said. - Dixon R Fox