In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley
There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic
I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins
Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus
Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen
Like the Good Book says, "Patience is a virgin." - Archie Bunker
The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying
I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett
The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson
Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw
I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon
Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler
Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness
The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono
I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole
The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer
Jameson's Irish Whiskey really does improve with age: the older I get the more I like it. - Bob Monkhouse
Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown
I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke
I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley
Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner
I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan
What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland
"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley
I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison
The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt
May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings
Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats
With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan
Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown
Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt
There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic
I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins
Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus
Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen
Like the Good Book says, "Patience is a virgin." - Archie Bunker
The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying
I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett
The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson
Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw
I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon
Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler
Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness
The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono
I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole
The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer
Jameson's Irish Whiskey really does improve with age: the older I get the more I like it. - Bob Monkhouse
Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown
I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke
I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley
Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner
I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan
What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland
"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley
I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison
The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt
May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings
Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats
With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan
Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown
Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt
see also Tombstone Section
Flooded Ireland Streets
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Diplomacy
Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Handcuffs
Irish Rugby Fans
Irish School Demolition
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Sunblock
Irish Weather Forecasting
Irish Yoga - Day 1
Irishman’s First Baseball Game
Little Leprechaun
Queen’s Recent Visit to Ireland
Rainbow Beer
St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
St. Patrick’s Pot of Gold
Swimming Buddies
Teddy Bear Dance
The Fert
What’s Under The Kilt?
Whiskey Around The World
Whiskey Silly
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15-Jun-2021 |