Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
As your runway of life gets shorter, the lighter the load. - Joe Segal
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Unknown
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. - William Shakespeare
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
As your runway of life gets shorter, the lighter the load. - Joe Segal
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Unknown
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. - William Shakespeare
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
 UFO Cloud |  Indecisive Shopper |  Bar Code Casualty |  Only In Texas |  Eastern Screech Owl |
 International Sign of Marriage |  Soccer Watch |  2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3) |  Science Project Turmoil |  Parking Forever |
 I've Got Time |  Red Wine Diet |  Nice Try, Mom |  Flight of the Ladybug |  Time To Retire |
 Chess On The Wall |  Tree Face |  Bad Day Flyer |  Back Bard |  St. Peter's Fish |
10-Dec-2019 |