Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. - William Shakespeare
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. - Yiddish Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Kyle Chandler
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. - William Shakespeare
Keyboard: 1. Place to hang your keys; 2. The standard way to generate computer errors. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
One of the most important gifts we have in television - the ability to heal through laughter. - Soleil M Frye
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: I wish no gifts, only presence. - Unknown
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
Technology is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. - Carrie Snow
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Pride causes us to use our gifts as though they came from ourselves, not benefits received from God, and to usurp our benefactor's glory. - Bernard of Clairvaux
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Francis Bacon
Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. - William Shakespeare
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. - Yiddish Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Kyle Chandler
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world. - William Shakespeare
Keyboard: 1. Place to hang your keys; 2. The standard way to generate computer errors. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
One of the most important gifts we have in television - the ability to heal through laughter. - Soleil M Frye
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: I wish no gifts, only presence. - Unknown
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
Technology is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. - Carrie Snow
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Pride causes us to use our gifts as though they came from ourselves, not benefits received from God, and to usurp our benefactor's glory. - Bernard of Clairvaux
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Francis Bacon
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
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12-Apr-2021 |