Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
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17-Jan-2021 |