Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Even the candle seller dies in the dark. - Colombian Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - Unknown
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Unknown
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: I wish no gifts, only presence. - Unknown
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Lord Francis Bacon
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - Unknown
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Opportunity does not knock. It presents itself when you beat down the door. - Unknown
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: I wish no gifts, only presence. - Unknown
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Lord Francis Bacon
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
 No Extras Massage |  Gooooooooooogle Air |  Hot Tub Hangups |  Scenery Cut and Paste |  Origin of the Whoopee Cushion |
 Better With A Beard |  Canadian Winter Smile |  Monkey Morning |  Snow Geese |  Walk The Line |
 Darth Vader Cool |  2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3) |  Cutting Edge Table |  Wine Signs |  Ring Seating |
 Snow Aerobics |  25 Toes |  Wedding Cake Dress |  Bacon Soda Sales |  Wet Insect |
28-Jan-2020 |