Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Even the candle seller dies in the dark. - Colombian Proverb
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. - Garth Brooks
Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons. - Ruth Ann Schabacker
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
As your runway of life gets shorter, the lighter the load. - Joe Segal
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
One of the most important gifts we have in television - the ability to heal through laughter. - Soleil M Frye
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
Technology is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. - Carrie Snow
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Pride causes us to use our gifts as though they came from ourselves, not benefits received from God, and to usurp our benefactor's glory. - Bernard of Clairvaux
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. - Garth Brooks
Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons. - Ruth Ann Schabacker
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
As your runway of life gets shorter, the lighter the load. - Joe Segal
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes
Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
Don't let your dreams rust! Listen to your youthful bells ringing loud inside of you. - Bernard Kelvin Clive
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
One of the most important gifts we have in television - the ability to heal through laughter. - Soleil M Frye
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
Technology is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. - Carrie Snow
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' - Jerry Seinfeld
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Pride causes us to use our gifts as though they came from ourselves, not benefits received from God, and to usurp our benefactor's glory. - Bernard of Clairvaux
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
 Stroller Snow Tires |  2022 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars |  Is The Warming Still Global? |  Snow Drifts Inside Your Car |  Redneck Potter's Wheel |
 Winter Sucks |  Chainsaw Art |  Spot the Hidden Cell Tower |  How Cumulus Clouds Are Formed |  Snow Is Coming |
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 Canadian Whiskey |  COLD Fairbanks |  Snow Wall |  Manitoba Kickstand |  Puzzle Ad |
23-Jan-2022 |