Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “We love the sound of handbells - you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols.”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll
Even the candle seller dies in the dark. - Colombian Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Francis Bacon
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll
Even the candle seller dies in the dark. - Colombian Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
Gladly accept the gifts of the present hour. - Horace
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars. - Matthew W. Stover
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back. - Philip Brookes
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
A person's fears are lighter when the danger is at hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. - Unknown
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year. - Charles Lamb
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski
A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. - Marian Sandmaier
My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light! - Edna St Vincent Millay
Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger
Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Francis Bacon
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
see also Christmas Section
Christmas Fireplace Tip
Forget The Present
Heathen’s Greetings
Merry House
Office Party Grinch
Saskatchewan Entrepreneur
Save Santa The Trip
Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Texas Hood Ornament
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
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31-Mar-2020 |