I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm - call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Rona products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don’t think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that Mr. Claus is a man.
Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.
When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit? The fact Santa can ignore “fashion” and wear the same suit for 500 years proves he couldn’t possibly be a woman.
And when was the last time Santa answered a letter? Like, never.
And women aren’t interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.
As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes. It’s amazing how grateful a woman is when you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.
Santa also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot-infested chimneys. You think a woman would go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the same day each year. With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she’d have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house. Let’s face it, Santa Claus is, and always has been, a guy.
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