Santa Claus or Santa Clause?

Mathematical proof of Non-Existence

[Looks like this engineer had nothing better to do with his time, so he came up with a mathematical proof for the non-existence of Santa Claus…]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Love is metaphysical gravity. - R Buckminster Fuller

The best proof of love is trust. - Joyce Brothers

Science is the record of dead religions. - Oscar Wilde

The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

Fame is proof that the people are gullible. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The writer is the engineer of the human soul. - Joseph Stalin

You can't blame gravity for falling in love. - Albert Einstein

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley

Marketing isn't magic. There is a science to it. - Dan Zarrella

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

It is the proof of a bad cause when it is applauded by the mob. - Seneca

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

In science there is only physics; all the rest is stamp collecting. - Lord Kelvin

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking. - Albert Einstein

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law. - Bugs Bunny

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The very best proof that something can be done is that someone has already done it. - Bertrand Russell

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

Mathematics is the cheapest science. All one needs for mathematics is a pencil and a paper. - George Polya

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

Science is angling in the mud - angling for immortality and for anything else that may turn up. - Aldous Huxley

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis best suited to open the way to the next better one. - Konrad Lorenz

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

Statistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. - Evan Esar

Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. - Bertrand Russell

Science has not yet mastered prophecy. We predict too much for the next year and yet far too little for the next ten. - Neil A Armstrong

Science is a first-rate piece of furniture for a man’s upper chamber, if he has common sense on the ground floor. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

So long as the mother, ignorance, lives, it is not safe for science, the offspring, to divulge the hidden cause of things. - Johannes Kepler

True faith rests upon the character of God and asks no further proof than the moral perfections of the One who cannot lie. - A.W. Tozer

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright

The march of science and technology does not imply growing intellectual complexity in the lives of most people. It often means the opposite. - Thomas Sowell

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

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