Redneck New Year’s Resolutions

For all Redneck party animals

1. Stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by;
2. Give thanks that your Momma had “ammo” on her Christmas list;
3. Play with your Christmas stocking full of ammo;
4. Give thanks for your favorite Christmas present - a painting on black velvet;
5. Sign the neighbour’s petition over your Christmas lights;
6. Kiss your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s eve party;
7. Siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck;
8. Icing - what you do to your front steps before your mother-in-law comes over;
9. Drink gas because you can run two and a half miles per hour faster;
10. Try to drown a fish;
11. Buy your jewelry at the hardware store;
12. Drink Labatt 50;
13. Knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom;
14. Go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home;
15. Yell to your Momma, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”;
16. Create a hairstyle called “The Hat Line”;
17. Have another can of your favourite meal – Spam;
18. Barbecue Spam on the grill;
19. Drive your pickup truck which has a bigger turning radius than your house;
20. Send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk;
21. Appreciate your wife howling at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs;
22. Wear the same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations - and they’re only twenty years old;
23. Go swimmin’ in the drainage ditch behind your house;
24. Cuss and refer to your wife, Mamma, aunt, and sister with one word;
25. Have your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner;
26. Be thankful that you have more pet names for your huntin’ dog than for your girlfriend;
27. Mistake the offering plate for a spit can;
28. Go to church to pick up women;
29. Bring your dog with you to church;
30. Give thanks that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar;
31. Have some of that Franklin Mint breath freshener;
32. Wear your only tie - made of leather, silver and turquoise;
33. Buy a can of Mountain Dew to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in;
34. Have your house picked up every week;
35. Make bar-b-que a daily thing;
36. Visit your favourite room in your house - the Dark Side;
37. Practice doctorin’ with Mamma’s sewing kit and a jug;
38. Hold a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio;
39. Show ‘em your new breed of horse – your Ford Mustang;
40. Start a preference to sleep in the truck than in your house;
41. Stand in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature;
42. Break wind in public and blame it on your kid;
43. Valet park a snowplow;
44. Vacuum the sheets instead of washing them;
45. Get an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company;
46. Take reading material into an airplane restroom;
47. Pay for a 6-pack of beer with pennies;
48. Hang up some beautiful hubcap wind chimes for your neighbours;
49. Hang a Bud Light pool table light over your dining room table;
50. Make the strongest smell in your house butane;
51. Have your dog pass gas and claim it for yourself;
52. Try not to mistake your Aunt Betty for a man;
53. Find out where that Third World country “paprika” is;
54. Ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”;
55. Go to a stock car race without a program;
56. Make a bumper sticker that says, “My Momma’s an honor student at the local junior high”;
57. Bake one of your favourite hors d’oeuvres - potted meat on a saltine;
58. Play the banjo in your high school band;
59. Show the neighbours your velvet paintings, bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway;
60. Buy some old hubcaps for your truck ‘cause you’re using the new hubcaps to feed your hunting dogs;
61. Give thanks that more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general;
62. Try to find that fence around the stock market;
63. Read up on the O.J. trial that was just a big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test;
64. Take your boat for a run… it hasn’t left the driveway in 15 years;
65. Use lard in bed;
66. Buy a new telephone-cable-spool coffee table;
67. Keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table for important guests;
68. Pick your teeth from a catalog;
69. Finance a tattoo;
70. Refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in”;
71. Have your hairdo ruined by a ceiling fan;
72. Have your Mamma get into a fist-fight at a high school sports event;
73. Own all the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap;
74. Invent a new way to keep things cold - leave ’em in the shade;
75. Rake the leaves in your kitchen;
76. Have your kid calls your sister, “Momma”;
77. Call up your brother-in-law - your uncle;
78. Have your entire family sit around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one;
79. Go to the family reunion to pick up women;
80. Try to determine the colour of your car – have someone remove the dirt;
81. Keep refusing to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture;
82. Buy a shirt that will cover your stomach;
83. Savor your only condiment on the dining room table - the economy size bottle of ketchup;
84. Make the rear doors on your car twice the size of your front ones;
85. Consider some deep reading - read “Outdoor Life”;
86. Prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland;
87. Use the term “over yonder” more than once a month;
88. Figure out why birds are attracted to your beard;
89. Proudly diplay the diploma hanging in your den, containing the words “Trucking Institute”;
90. Borrow your Mamma’s spit cup, lying on the ironing board;
91. Be proud of your wife’s job that requires her to wear an orange vest;
92. Wear a tube top to your next wedding;
93. Laugh at those bikers who back down from your Momma;
94. Be proud that you were shooting pool when your kids were born;
95. Reminisce about your favourite school fight song, “Dueling Banjos”;
96. Play your favourite musical instrument – the chain saw;
97. Steal clothes from a scarecrow;
98. Support your major food groups: beef jerky and Moon Pies;
99. Shoot a deer from inside your house;
100. Have your Mamma greet your friends with “Howdy!”, “HEY!”, or “How Y’all Doin’?”;
101. Be proud that you have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior;
102. Steal toilet paper from a public restroom;
103. Clean your nails with a stick;
104. Develop a preference for car keys to a Q-tip;
105. Figure out why people are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe;
106. Thank your father for encouraging you to quit school because Bubba has an opening on the lube rack;
107. Become a Doctor – you already know that a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy;
108. Use a toilet seat as a picture frame;
109. Be thankful that your home has more miles on it than your car;
110. Ain’t it great to have your Christmas tree still up in March!;
111. Get arrested for loitering;
112. Find the stuffed possums in your house;
113. Hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice;
114. Shoot anyone for looking at you;
115. Own a homemade fur coat;
116. Be proud that your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat;
117. Give thanks that you’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned;
118. Make sure that there are more than five McDonald’s bags on the floorboard of your car;
119. Have Momma teach you how to flip a cigarette;
120. Add some art to your living room – find a wasp nest;
121. Give thanks that the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice;
122. Give your Pappa a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday;
123. Show off the crime scene tape on your front door;
124. Burn your front yard rather than mow it;
125. Consider some high-quality entertainment - a six-pack and a bug-zapper;
126. Be proud that fewer than half of your cars run;
127. Get kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys;
128. Add some class to your car - taillight covers made of tape;
129. Add a full tank of gas to your car.
130. Give thanks that your kids were conceived in a car wash!;
131. Marvel at your Momma’s cuss fight with the principal;
132. Figure out that math problem called a subdivision;
133. Bathe with flea and tick soap;
134. Do a good deed for the month – hide your brother for a few days;
135. Show off your favorite T-shirt which is offensive in thirteen states;
136. Get involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog;
137. Become an expert on worm beds (or was that bed worms?);
138. Have the dog catcher call for a backup unit when he visits your house;
139. Be nice to your wife when she next says, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”;
140. Be proud that your family tree does not fork;
141. Display the flood history of the area on your living room walls;
142. Haul more than U-Haul;
143. Remember that day your Momma stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”;
144. Mount a gun rack on your bicycle;
145. Hold your wedding in the delivery room;
146. Double your soap on a rope as an air freshener;
147. Have your wife’s hairdo attract bees;
148. Make your baby’s first words, “Attention K-Mart shoppers”;
149. Make the antenna on your truck a danger to low flying airplanes;
150. Have your primary source of income be the pawn shop;
151. Try to visit your relatives without getting mud on your tires;
152. Have your Mamma put on her shoes to go grocery shopping;
153. Get blacklisted by a bowling alley;
154. Purchase peroxide in a gallon container;
155. Disagree with those who think baseball players spit and scratch too much;
156. Go to a wedding reception at the Waffle House;
157. Have your dog bring home something that you cooked for dinner;
158. Owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income;
159. Catch bugs just so you can throw them in the bug zapper;
160. Get a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window;
161. Mow your lawn to find your car;
162. Spit without opening your mouth.

New Year's Day is every man's birthday. - Charles Lamb

The New Year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. - George William Curtis

When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. - Henry Moore

Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time. - Jean Paul Richter

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling. He who makes one is a fool. - F.M. Knowles

And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. - Unknown

Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing. - Abraham Lincoln

Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty. - John Selden

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. - Oscar Wilde

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. - John Burroughs

Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, "It will be happier..." - Alfred Tennyson

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G K Chesterton

But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year-old habits. - Andre Gide

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since. - Dave Beard

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan

An individual starts off by facing his problem with resolution, but a convention saves the resolution for the end. - Unknown

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate

New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

see also   New Years  &  Redneck  Sections
New Years Resolutions You Can Keep
Redneck New Years Resolutions You Can Keep


Custer's Last Stand?

Hand Held Tourist

Curly Heels

Bottle Sneakret

Removed Posts

Second Hand Work

Ostrich Fill Up

Calory Bomb

Interuption Charge

Reach For Your Dreams


Jeopardy Measuring Cup

All We Have To Do Is Stand Up

Vacuum Extender

Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious